Battle stations everyone!
This is not a drill!
I repeat, this is not a drill!
This Friday coming you am going to be left in charge of a baby!
A real, live human baby!
6 months old. Male. Weapons-grade dimples!
His parents are having a relaxing night off and they are entrusting you with their adorable offspring!
You can do this!
You know how to change him!
You know how to feed and burp him!
You have an excellent track record of getting him to stop crying!
The way he falls asleep 9 out of 10 times he rests his head on your boobs those puppies may as well be soaked in chloroform!
You can do this!
Wait, how many bottles should he be allowed a night?
What sort of intervals!?
Draw me a diagram of how he is supposed to be tucked in at night, include measurements and tensioning requirements for tucking in the blanket!
He's teething now, how often do you need to apply bonjella?
How long do you leave his teething ring in the freezer before it will soothe him?
When would you need to use baby panadol?
What if he won't stop crying?
What if it turns out that he is The Chosen one and I need to protect him from potential assassins?
What if the zombies rise when I have him?
Do we have a rendezvous point?
Because I'd be taking him to my first staging post to keep him safe unless you have a better defensible position in mind.
I take babysitting responsibilities very seriously.
Very seriously indeed.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Baby!
Phew!
Alrighty then.
My friend has had her baby!
I didn't get to witness the (terrifying) miracle of birth as, despite being two weeks overdue and the doctors giving some medical encouragement, baby had not descended (ie, headed towards the main gates) and due to his apparent size the doctors recommended a Caesarean.
I did however get to witness part of the miracle of labour and yeah, it looks kind of uncomfortable.
Back to the baby!
As predicted by every single ultrasound they've had, it's a boy!
He weighed in at 10 lb 4 oz*!
Don't ask me why but babies is one thing where our metric measuring country uses pounds and ounces to give weights. Maybe because it makes it easier for people of earlier generations** to go 'woooh, that's a big lad!' without having to reach for the calculator.
Mum and bub are both doing well, even if Mum is a bit sore in the midsection from being opened up .
Given he's so brawny you're not as worried about accidentally breaking him as you*** are with the really itty bitty bubs and I've got to have a few holds.
It is still really REALLY weird to think of my friend as being a mother, a sentiment she whole-heartedly shares, but she and her fella are doing so well with him already. It's all adoring stares and goo-goo eyes and kisses over there.
She'll be in the hospital a few days more whilst they make sure she's recovering from surgery OK and that she is managing to insert Tab A into Slot B successfully****.
We're off to buy the happy family some little gifts and do some sneaky housework for them whilst we're at their house under the camouflage of the legitimate purpose of feeding their pets.
It's weird to think that everything is going to change now, exciting too.
*4.66 kg!
**Yes, Australia used to use the Imperial system. We swapped over somewhere between the start of the 1970s and the end of the 1980s.
***Well, me...
****Tab A is her nipple! Slot B is the baby's mouth!
Alrighty then.
My friend has had her baby!
I didn't get to witness the (terrifying) miracle of birth as, despite being two weeks overdue and the doctors giving some medical encouragement, baby had not descended (ie, headed towards the main gates) and due to his apparent size the doctors recommended a Caesarean.
I did however get to witness part of the miracle of labour and yeah, it looks kind of uncomfortable.
Back to the baby!
As predicted by every single ultrasound they've had, it's a boy!
He weighed in at 10 lb 4 oz*!
Don't ask me why but babies is one thing where our metric measuring country uses pounds and ounces to give weights. Maybe because it makes it easier for people of earlier generations** to go 'woooh, that's a big lad!' without having to reach for the calculator.
Mum and bub are both doing well, even if Mum is a bit sore in the midsection from being opened up .
Given he's so brawny you're not as worried about accidentally breaking him as you*** are with the really itty bitty bubs and I've got to have a few holds.
It is still really REALLY weird to think of my friend as being a mother, a sentiment she whole-heartedly shares, but she and her fella are doing so well with him already. It's all adoring stares and goo-goo eyes and kisses over there.
She'll be in the hospital a few days more whilst they make sure she's recovering from surgery OK and that she is managing to insert Tab A into Slot B successfully****.
We're off to buy the happy family some little gifts and do some sneaky housework for them whilst we're at their house under the camouflage of the legitimate purpose of feeding their pets.
It's weird to think that everything is going to change now, exciting too.
*4.66 kg!
**Yes, Australia used to use the Imperial system. We swapped over somewhere between the start of the 1970s and the end of the 1980s.
***Well, me...
****Tab A is her nipple! Slot B is the baby's mouth!
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Due Date
Hey baby, where are you?
You were supposed to have exited the womb in a calm and orderly fashion by now.
Today was your due date and we were all kind of expecting you to keep the appointment.
To be frank it's quite rude of you to keep us waiting, especially your poor mother!
I've read all the information sheets from the Royal Women's Hospital and watched all the episodes of One Born Every Minute and I've had my Awesome Supportive Birth Partner kit by the door for the last month.
Everyone out here is ready for you, soooo....
Yep, today was my friend's due date and her baby has inconsiderately failed to materialise.
Considering how big her tum has been for the last month we've been expecting him to pop out at any minute for the last three weeks but it seems he is in no hurry to oblige.
She's at the stage where she's a bit over it.
She can't move around easily, she's up every half hour or hour during the night to go to the bathroom, she aches all over, she can't get comfortable, she can't get much done, she hasn't laid on her stomach for about 5 months, she hasn't had a drink in 9 months...
She is READY for this baby to be ejected from the pod!
I was always one of those people who thought 'What's the rush? Just let the baby come out when it's ready' but all the years I was thinking this it didn't occur to me - and it was only pointed out to me recently - that the rush is that the baby keeps growing.
So not only is it getting cramped, it is going to be a lot bigger when it tries to make its way through the emergency exit!
That and it would probably have sucked the placenta dry by then, like the tiny vampire it is.
She's going to keep doing all the lovely labour-bringing-on-ish things that have been advised to her but if he goes too far past this following week he'll be getting an eviction notice from the medical professionals at the hospital who won't take no for an answer.
Fingers crossed he gets the idea soon!
Edit (4th July 2012): My friend has had a check up with the doctor who says everything is fine and the baby is doing well, he just doesn't feel like coming out yet.
He's been given until the 12th of July to get this show on the road on his own, if he doesn't she'll be induced.
On Friday the 13th.
Such an auspicious day! :-D
Sunday, 13 May 2012
To Battle Stations!
Oh... Wow... Really?
Wow...OK...
You remember at the start of the year when I said my friend Awesome and her fella were expecting a baby?
Well it's not long to go now and it turns out that, contrary to my assumptions, I *am* going to be a birth partner 0_0
This is both a huge honour and really *really* nerve-wracking!
Because a) I want to make sure I support her properly and don't get in the way and b) DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM? THIS IS GOING TO BE INTENSE!
I am soooooooooooooo* glad I watched all those episodes of One Born Every Minute when she first told me she was pregnant.
It seems it's time to dust them off and watch them again, focusing this time on the fact that I'll be in the room whilst it's going on.
I've been putting together a list of things I can bring that she and her husband may have forgotten or not thought about.
Ricochet's Awesome List of Supportive Birth Partner Paraphernalia
So, yeah, this is happening.
I think I'm ready.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not :-p
*Believe me, there are more o's. So many. You have no idea.
Wow...OK...
You remember at the start of the year when I said my friend Awesome and her fella were expecting a baby?
Well it's not long to go now and it turns out that, contrary to my assumptions, I *am* going to be a birth partner 0_0
This is both a huge honour and really *really* nerve-wracking!
Because a) I want to make sure I support her properly and don't get in the way and b) DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM? THIS IS GOING TO BE INTENSE!
I am soooooooooooooo* glad I watched all those episodes of One Born Every Minute when she first told me she was pregnant.
It seems it's time to dust them off and watch them again, focusing this time on the fact that I'll be in the room whilst it's going on.
I've been putting together a list of things I can bring that she and her husband may have forgotten or not thought about.
Ricochet's Awesome List of Supportive Birth Partner Paraphernalia
- hand fan to fan her with (or hand-held battery powered one if I can find it, maybe both)
- flannels for her face
- lavender oil
- heat packs
- spray bottle to mist her with
- snacks
- playing cards for if it's a long, boring labour
- exercise ball for her to sit on
- head bands for holding back hair
- tissues for all the crying
- CAMERA! DON'T FORGET THE CAMERA!
- and last but not least, any remaining romantic notions I may have about giving birth, though I expect I'll be asked to leave these at the door as they interfere with the equipment... and the screaming...
So, yeah, this is happening.
I think I'm ready.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not :-p
*Believe me, there are more o's. So many. You have no idea.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Expanding The Franchise The Old-Fashioned Way
Do you guys remember my mate Awesome?
Well she and her fella have been married for about a year and a half now and towards the end of last year she told me that the two of them were trying for a baby.
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Awesome has never been that interested in kids and had always said she was going to have dogs instead.
Of course that was before we met our friend Inky*.
Inky has three little boys.
When we first started hanging out with her they were 0, 2, and 4.
They're now 2, 4, and 6.
Over the last two years Awesome's time with Inky's kids has obviously convinced her that tinier humans are not in fact the devil's spawn that she thought they were and that having one of her own might not be such a terrible thing.
And now Awesome and her husband are expecting.
So having been informed I am going to be an auntie, I immediately starting thinking of ways I could help out.
For starters I've been reminding everyone that as a metal-head couple, Awesome and her fella are not going to be wanting any gifts in pastel.
They've already bought Awesome Junior this here jumpsuit...
...and most of the baby's other clothes are likely to be fairly similar in nature.
The other thing I started doing was research.
This is what I do.
I read up on stuff and just have it sitting in my head in case it becomes useful.
It's how I helped my sister and Awesome plan for their respective weddings and it has served me well in a lot of other situations.
So I did a bit of generalised reading here, a bit of asking all my kid-having relatives and coworkers what are the most useful things you can do to help out a new set of parents there, a bit of looking a baby paraphernalia when out and about.
Over Christmas I spent about four days getting some hands on experience with my cousin's 4 month old and 20 month old so that when Awesome is all sleep-deprived and serial-killer-looking I can pop over for a bit and wrangle the child as she has a shower and/or a nap and gets out of the house for a bit.
Two tips I learned from that particular experience:
Awesome isn't quite ready to actually think about the Baby Exit Strategy just yet so I figured I'd have a look into it for her so that when she is ready to start planning I can have the information on hand.
So I started watching this documentary One Born Every Minute and Oh My Lord.
Apparently having babies can be somewhat painful!
I mean obviously it would be considering what has to come out where but until I watched this show I didn't fully comprehend how long labour went on and some of things that can happen during it.
Bloody amazing.
And some people's partners are completely [redacted] useless!
They just sit there looking fed up and making snide comments whilst their lady writhes around in agony.
I know you're only seeing a slice of their life and it's at quite a stressful time but you'd think that during labour would be the one time you'd manage to reign in your jackassery and be supportive!
Even if just to look good for the cameras!
But overall it's a fascinating series.
You get to see a snapshot of people's family situations, their circumstances, their personalities and witness an important moment in their lives.
It does make you think the human body is somewhat bodged together as it seems to take an absurd amount of effort to eject a fresh human being from the slot.
Inky is going to be Awesome's other birth partner (along with Awesome's husband) as she's had several children and is a registered nurse so I won't actually be there but knowing what is coming up is both incredibly interesting and rather daunting.
Both from a logistics point of view and from a 'holy crap, we're adults now' viewpoint.
Obviously we have been for a while, we're all about 28, but the events of the last few years have really driven it home.
Awesome has gotten married and is expecting a baby.
Eep has built a house with her fella and they're getting married at the end of this year.
I have a credit card and have used it to book international flights and hotel rooms like a real grown up and am routinely taken seriously despite constantly feeling like I'm play acting.
We've all had cars, had jobs, paid taxes, organised all sorts of weird and woolly grown up things and after Awesome Junior pops out of the chute everything is going to be different from then on.
Awesome will be the first of my friends to have a baby*** and even with all the reading I've done I don't think I'll be ready for how much that's going to change our lives and the nature of our friendships.
If nothing else it's going to be educational.
*She has tattoos. Lovely tattoos.
**This didn't happen but it was close, oh so close!
***Inky has babies but I didn't know here when she was having them. They came as part of the package with our friendship. Awesome is the first of my school friends to have a baby.
Well she and her fella have been married for about a year and a half now and towards the end of last year she told me that the two of them were trying for a baby.
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Awesome has never been that interested in kids and had always said she was going to have dogs instead.
Of course that was before we met our friend Inky*.
Inky has three little boys.
When we first started hanging out with her they were 0, 2, and 4.
They're now 2, 4, and 6.
Over the last two years Awesome's time with Inky's kids has obviously convinced her that tinier humans are not in fact the devil's spawn that she thought they were and that having one of her own might not be such a terrible thing.
And now Awesome and her husband are expecting.
So having been informed I am going to be an auntie, I immediately starting thinking of ways I could help out.
For starters I've been reminding everyone that as a metal-head couple, Awesome and her fella are not going to be wanting any gifts in pastel.
They've already bought Awesome Junior this here jumpsuit...
...and most of the baby's other clothes are likely to be fairly similar in nature.
The other thing I started doing was research.
This is what I do.
I read up on stuff and just have it sitting in my head in case it becomes useful.
It's how I helped my sister and Awesome plan for their respective weddings and it has served me well in a lot of other situations.
So I did a bit of generalised reading here, a bit of asking all my kid-having relatives and coworkers what are the most useful things you can do to help out a new set of parents there, a bit of looking a baby paraphernalia when out and about.
Over Christmas I spent about four days getting some hands on experience with my cousin's 4 month old and 20 month old so that when Awesome is all sleep-deprived and serial-killer-looking I can pop over for a bit and wrangle the child as she has a shower and/or a nap and gets out of the house for a bit.
Two tips I learned from that particular experience:
- Don't wear necklaces around babies and toddlers. Not because they will get a hold of them - though they will - but because they have this disconcerting habit of flinging their heads against your chest and you don't want to have to explain a Celtic cross shaped bruise on their soft head bits**.
- If you've got a voice you use for telling your dogs or cats off it works perfectly with kids. You say 'put that down' in the 'no' voice you use for dogs and they put that right down. So useful!
Awesome isn't quite ready to actually think about the Baby Exit Strategy just yet so I figured I'd have a look into it for her so that when she is ready to start planning I can have the information on hand.
So I started watching this documentary One Born Every Minute and Oh My Lord.
Apparently having babies can be somewhat painful!
I mean obviously it would be considering what has to come out where but until I watched this show I didn't fully comprehend how long labour went on and some of things that can happen during it.
Bloody amazing.
And some people's partners are completely [redacted] useless!
They just sit there looking fed up and making snide comments whilst their lady writhes around in agony.
I know you're only seeing a slice of their life and it's at quite a stressful time but you'd think that during labour would be the one time you'd manage to reign in your jackassery and be supportive!
Even if just to look good for the cameras!
But overall it's a fascinating series.
You get to see a snapshot of people's family situations, their circumstances, their personalities and witness an important moment in their lives.
It does make you think the human body is somewhat bodged together as it seems to take an absurd amount of effort to eject a fresh human being from the slot.
Inky is going to be Awesome's other birth partner (along with Awesome's husband) as she's had several children and is a registered nurse so I won't actually be there but knowing what is coming up is both incredibly interesting and rather daunting.
Both from a logistics point of view and from a 'holy crap, we're adults now' viewpoint.
Obviously we have been for a while, we're all about 28, but the events of the last few years have really driven it home.
Awesome has gotten married and is expecting a baby.
Eep has built a house with her fella and they're getting married at the end of this year.
I have a credit card and have used it to book international flights and hotel rooms like a real grown up and am routinely taken seriously despite constantly feeling like I'm play acting.
We've all had cars, had jobs, paid taxes, organised all sorts of weird and woolly grown up things and after Awesome Junior pops out of the chute everything is going to be different from then on.
Awesome will be the first of my friends to have a baby*** and even with all the reading I've done I don't think I'll be ready for how much that's going to change our lives and the nature of our friendships.
If nothing else it's going to be educational.
*She has tattoos. Lovely tattoos.
**This didn't happen but it was close, oh so close!
***Inky has babies but I didn't know here when she was having them. They came as part of the package with our friendship. Awesome is the first of my school friends to have a baby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)