It's Like A Party In My Mouth And All The Guests Are Chained Together...

Steak.

Popcorn.

Nougat.

Toffee.

Lollypops.

Chocolate.

Chewy crust breadrolls.

I'm going to miss you...

Some time ago *coff May coff* my dentist told me that I should see an orthodontist about possibly getting braces.

In my usual efficient manner I put it down as 'To Do Next Week' and it kept 'Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Ever Jam Today'-ing* down the list until a few weeks ago when I finally made the appointment.

Then this Thursday at 9:45am I went along for my first consultation.
It all started out fairly routine.
They took a few hilarious photos of my teeth and asked me a lot of questions including 'Do you ever grind your teeth in your sleep?' to which I replied 'I don't know, I'm asleep' which seemed a perfectly sensible answer to me but which exasperated the dental technician who was taking notes.
Yes I need braces.
Yes they'll need to stay on for two years.
Yes I should make an appointment.
And the next available appointment is... Oh we've had a cancellation, would you like to come back at 2pm?
Uh... I... guess so...?

So in the three hours between the end of the first appointment and the beginning of the second I had to go down to the bank to withdraw cash for my first payment**, get into a favourite café for my last steak sandwich for two years and give my teeth a vigorous scrubbing.

Because I would usually have a longer first consultation or possibly a follow up consultation before the procedure in normal circumstances I found out about a lot of the do's and don't's whilst my mouth was propped open and the orthodontist was messing about with glue and wire.
On the one hand it was good that everything came together so quickly because it gave me little time to dwell on or worry about things.
On the other hand I didn't have time to go on a last forbidden food orgy and will now have to wait two years to eat quite a few things...
Probably on mature reflection this is plus as well, I've had a few too many forbidden food orgies of late without anything to justify them.

I've had the braces on for three days and despite the logistics of learning to chew with the dang things on and all the extra tooth brushing, they're not that bad.
They were slightly uncomfortable to begin with but they feel exactly like I thought a mouth full of braces would feel and it already seems as if I've had them on forever.
My completely erratic grasp of temporal reality and the way my imagination interacts with it has allowed me to adapt to the feeling ridiculously quickly and apart from the part where I keep going around telling people 'I'm a Piranha' and gnashing my teeth at them it's business as usual.
It has however confirmed my suspicions that I should never get a tongue piercing, I have been messing with the dang things with my tongue ever since they were put on and I predict that I won't stop for approximately 24 months.



*For anyone who has never seen the 1985 version of Alice in Wonderland, which stars Sammy Davis Junior and Carol Channing among many others, and has no idea what I'm talking about I give you this.

Can I Get Them With Metal Points?

A handful of weeks ago I went on a medical appointment extravaganza like a hypochondriac at Christmas.

The physio appointment went well; the doctor gave me my flu jab, took my blood pressure (110/80 I think which I'm told is good) and sent me off to have my blood harvested and tested to see where my cholesterol is at these days*; but the dentist...

Internets, it looks like I'm getting braces.

This is a strange thing to say as a 26 year old grown up person.
Obviously I'm not hugely dentally deformed or this would have happened years ago, according to the dentist it is just that some of my lower teeth rest against my upper teeth in a way that will result in unnecessary wear.

I can imagine getting hooked up with the framework and I can imagine the gentle heartbreak of no popcorn for however long it takes, I can even imagine the hysterical laughter at the point when the orthodontist uses the funny thingies to hook your lips out of the way to photograph your teeth in their current incarnation thanks to having gone along when my sister was having her braces put on... and being the person who was laughing at her...
She's been waiting for this for years apparently, she and her now perfect teeth have been enjoying this idea so much she's been unable to put them away since she heard.

I haven't had the orthodontist appointment yet so I have no idea what exactly it is they're planning to alter or where all my teeth are supposed to end up.

All I know is the whole time I have them I will be pretending to be Jaws out of James Bond and will probably be enjoying it a hell of a lot more than I should do.
A lot more than I would have ten years ago certainly.

Chomp Chomp Chomp!


*I've never had a cholesterol problem but my family has a history of heart disease so I'm starting the monitoring process early because I'm not going to take that kind of insubordination from within my own body, no sir.

It's Character Building

It's go time people!
It's time for another flurry of activity and a light smattering of getting things done!

It started with a sheepish acknowledgement that I should probably go back to the physio and see how my muscular retraining has been going instead of just rolling about on my swisse ball doing my embarrassing and somewhat suggestive-looking strengthening exercises*.
So I made an appointment.

Then I realised that I hadn't been to the dentist in a while** so I blocked that in too.

But why stop there? I haven't been to the GP in a bit, I might have a vaccination due for a boosting and I guess I should have my flu shot whilst I'm at it.

All in the same day.

I thought this one through obviously.
Because, if all things go to plan, by the end of the day I'll have been scraped, poked at, stabbed, stretched and massaged***.
And I'll feel a bit hard done by but also too guilty about sugar and plaque to have a drink or some cake, too stabbed up to comfortably do my physio exercises but will feel slack and self-sabotaging if I don't and will be wondering fretfully whether even though I was well when I entered the Doctors' Surgery I might have picked something up from one of the hacking and dripping people that surround me in the waiting room****.

But as dentally violated and bodily battered as I'll feel, it'll be accompanied by a perverse sense of accomplishment and a deep and fulfilling sense of relief that I won't have to do any of those things again for quite some time.
By which point I'll probably have forgotten the stabby, scrapey, stretchy part of the proceedings and will only remember the sheer genius of taking a day off and getting it all out of the way in one fell swoop.



*I'm not going to lie to you, they're all pretty suggestive. There's a lot of lifting and thrusting and bouncing involved. I'm starting to worry about my physiotherapist really.

**Ahem, 2006, just before I went backpacking for five months. I didn't want to be in the middle of the picturesque rural scenes of Europe and have a rogue tooth erupt out of my jaw and pierce my nose.

***I'll leave you to guess what by whom, you might be surprised. I have a couple of concerns about my dentist too.

****And whether if I asked really nicely if anyone would mind if I kept the original edition TMNT comic books that are just wedged in amongst all the Woman's Days, New Ideas and Reader's Digests! I mean they're just sitting there! And kids today don't appreciate these things!