Jaws Unbound

Almost two years ago I slouched along to a consultation at the orthodontist to see if I needed braces, a meeting that ended with me getting the dang things applied that same day in a blur of glue and metal.

Those 21 odd months have passed alarmingly quickly and a couple of days ago I entered The Chair once again to have them removed.

And it feels... a bit weird but not in the way you might expect.

I get used to certain things ridiculously quickly.

Within a week of having braces put on I couldn't quite remember what the interior of my mouth had felt like without them and just shrugged and got on with things.

Now they're off and I'm already forgetting what it felt like to have them on.

At the moment it feels a little bit like somebody smuggled somebody else's teeth into my mouth whilst I wasn't paying attention but that sensation is fading in some sort of advanced rate in proportion to how terrifying that concept is.

My new best friend the '24/7 for 6 months retainer' has made its introductions and wearing it is fine.
There's some discomfort when I take it off or put it back on, which I'm sure that will fade as my teeth get used to the idea that their support network is gone and start standing on their own two roots.

So it isn't my actual teeth that are feeling weird, it's... well, I think I developed some kind of Stockholm Syndrome for my braces.

Towards the end I was nervous to have them removed because I kept envisioning my teeth as having grown dependent upon them and coming loose or wobbling about, falling out or deserting me if I bit into anything firmer than a doughnut because the position they've been gently shifted to was too far for the human tooth to bear!

That fear proved to be what some may refer to as bullpucky.

But for the moment I kind of miss them.

Mostly because I'm a compulsive fiddler and I'd built up a complex little set of games which involved tapping or flicking different protrusions or attachments with the end of my tongue in odd little sequences.

Without braces on that kind of behaviour looks a bit weird.

If I'm honest with myself I'm sure it looked plenty weird when I did have braces on but at least people could work out why I was doing it.

Because I agreed to braces on structural grounds rather than cosmetic* ones I wasn't particularly thrilled or disappointed by my teeth in their new configuration as their old configuration had looked OK.

Because I didn't have to avoid any foods I couldn't bear to live without I haven't gone into a glee-spiral of reacquaintance.

Because they didn't change my self-image or make me feel self-conscious or less attractive I wasn't fussed when they were there and don't feel particularly fussed on that point now that they're gone.

All of which seems to slightly miff all the people who have been saying "I bet you're glad they're gone, hey?"

"Meh" is not the response they expect.

Luckily I'd already had my wisdom teeth out way before this adventure began so I don't even have to worry about those coming in and pushing things about and undoing all those months of good work like some of my friends did**.

I know I'm going to get used to this whole retainer malarky and quite, quite soon I will have a new set of weird tongue flicking games centred around the little wire glued to the back of my bottom teeth to keep me occupied***.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here. It's more musings than anything else.

There was a thing, then there wasn't, doodily doo doodily doodily doodily do.

So, uh, I guess to give some sort of educational value or something I'll say: never forget to floss.

You might think you've brushed your teeth adequately to keep everything clean and shipshape but there are always bits of food squirrelled away in those little gaps and crevices and if left there they rot like corpses jammed into a ravine. Except unlike the putrescent vapours of ravine corpses, the tooth graveyard allows you to waft the stench of death and decay over friends and bedmates. Also it's bad for your gums. So floss your damn teeth.
I promise to stop talking about ravine corpses if you do.

Oh and my apologies to those who might have thought this post was going to be a wicked ass saga about a shark.



*The way they were sitting would have gradually caused severe wearing that would have left me stumpy and steak-less in my autumnal years.

**Imagine wearing braces for almost five years and then having nothing to show for it because your wisdom teeth rolled into town like a gang of outlaws and started shoving all the law abiding citizen teeth around and Sheriff Braces is so long gone that there's no hope of reprieve or order.

***Uh, the wire was glued to my teeth to keep them from ever trying to wander back into their old positions, not as a means to keep me occupied. That's just an unintentional benefit.

Things I Am Looking Forward To When I Get My Braces Off

• Spending 90% less time wondering if there is something caught in my teeth.
• Nougat
• Being able to bite directly into things
• Nougat
• People over 60 not assuming I'm 15*
  
• Nougat
• Not getting the odd bit of cheek caught on the odd bit of metal
• Nougat
• Being able to floss my teeth without needing guiding apparatus
  
• Nougat
• Not suddenly realising I've been making weirdo faces at people as I absent-mindedly probe my braces with my tongue
• Nougat
• ...
  

I am going to eat the hell out of some Europe bars...





*The braids I've been sporting of late may have been contributing to this particular misconception

It's Like A Party In My Mouth And All The Guests Are Chained Together...

Steak.

Popcorn.

Nougat.

Toffee.

Lollypops.

Chocolate.

Chewy crust breadrolls.

I'm going to miss you...

Some time ago *coff May coff* my dentist told me that I should see an orthodontist about possibly getting braces.

In my usual efficient manner I put it down as 'To Do Next Week' and it kept 'Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Ever Jam Today'-ing* down the list until a few weeks ago when I finally made the appointment.

Then this Thursday at 9:45am I went along for my first consultation.
It all started out fairly routine.
They took a few hilarious photos of my teeth and asked me a lot of questions including 'Do you ever grind your teeth in your sleep?' to which I replied 'I don't know, I'm asleep' which seemed a perfectly sensible answer to me but which exasperated the dental technician who was taking notes.
Yes I need braces.
Yes they'll need to stay on for two years.
Yes I should make an appointment.
And the next available appointment is... Oh we've had a cancellation, would you like to come back at 2pm?
Uh... I... guess so...?

So in the three hours between the end of the first appointment and the beginning of the second I had to go down to the bank to withdraw cash for my first payment**, get into a favourite café for my last steak sandwich for two years and give my teeth a vigorous scrubbing.

Because I would usually have a longer first consultation or possibly a follow up consultation before the procedure in normal circumstances I found out about a lot of the do's and don't's whilst my mouth was propped open and the orthodontist was messing about with glue and wire.
On the one hand it was good that everything came together so quickly because it gave me little time to dwell on or worry about things.
On the other hand I didn't have time to go on a last forbidden food orgy and will now have to wait two years to eat quite a few things...
Probably on mature reflection this is plus as well, I've had a few too many forbidden food orgies of late without anything to justify them.

I've had the braces on for three days and despite the logistics of learning to chew with the dang things on and all the extra tooth brushing, they're not that bad.
They were slightly uncomfortable to begin with but they feel exactly like I thought a mouth full of braces would feel and it already seems as if I've had them on forever.
My completely erratic grasp of temporal reality and the way my imagination interacts with it has allowed me to adapt to the feeling ridiculously quickly and apart from the part where I keep going around telling people 'I'm a Piranha' and gnashing my teeth at them it's business as usual.
It has however confirmed my suspicions that I should never get a tongue piercing, I have been messing with the dang things with my tongue ever since they were put on and I predict that I won't stop for approximately 24 months.



*For anyone who has never seen the 1985 version of Alice in Wonderland, which stars Sammy Davis Junior and Carol Channing among many others, and has no idea what I'm talking about I give you this.

Can I Get Them With Metal Points?

A handful of weeks ago I went on a medical appointment extravaganza like a hypochondriac at Christmas.

The physio appointment went well; the doctor gave me my flu jab, took my blood pressure (110/80 I think which I'm told is good) and sent me off to have my blood harvested and tested to see where my cholesterol is at these days*; but the dentist...

Internets, it looks like I'm getting braces.

This is a strange thing to say as a 26 year old grown up person.
Obviously I'm not hugely dentally deformed or this would have happened years ago, according to the dentist it is just that some of my lower teeth rest against my upper teeth in a way that will result in unnecessary wear.

I can imagine getting hooked up with the framework and I can imagine the gentle heartbreak of no popcorn for however long it takes, I can even imagine the hysterical laughter at the point when the orthodontist uses the funny thingies to hook your lips out of the way to photograph your teeth in their current incarnation thanks to having gone along when my sister was having her braces put on... and being the person who was laughing at her...
She's been waiting for this for years apparently, she and her now perfect teeth have been enjoying this idea so much she's been unable to put them away since she heard.

I haven't had the orthodontist appointment yet so I have no idea what exactly it is they're planning to alter or where all my teeth are supposed to end up.

All I know is the whole time I have them I will be pretending to be Jaws out of James Bond and will probably be enjoying it a hell of a lot more than I should do.
A lot more than I would have ten years ago certainly.

Chomp Chomp Chomp!


*I've never had a cholesterol problem but my family has a history of heart disease so I'm starting the monitoring process early because I'm not going to take that kind of insubordination from within my own body, no sir.