Because the stars demand it...
Aries
Today you will realise that you distrust horoscopes.
Taurus
Did you lock the front door?
Gemini
Don't worry. They'll never find out.
Cancer
Your neighbour has been stealing your newspaper.
Leo
Your socks don't match.
Virgo
Just stop thinking about it.
Libra
A change is as good as a simile.
Scorpio
Count to ten before losing your temper. You'll have more to shout about by then.
Sagittarius
Flip a coin and then ignore it and do whatever you want.
Capricorn
Your best friend has secretly been watching The Bold and the Beautiful for six years.
Aquarius
Today is an auspicious day to buy a doughnut (donut).
Pisces
Don't forget to look both ways before crossing the street.
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