Saturday, 24 April 2010

I Will Punch You Right In The Motherboard!

Alright electronic devices, it is on!

You and me! Right now!

I've always known you held me in contempt and now I have the proof and we are going to throw down here and now, last one alive wins!

No, I haven't had a computer disaster.
My refrigerator and microwave continue to function adequately.
Even if any of these devices had experienced a malfunction this would be a mere inconvenience.

It is not an inconvenience which has incurred my wrath.

It was an insult.

A direct and unmistakable insult!

The other day my sister took a break from studying and decided to spend a bit of time on the WiiFit.

She pressed the power button, stepped up onto the device and waited for it to start offering her exciting, brightly covered activities.

It greeted her.

She pressed 'next'.

It mentioned it hadn't seen her for a while, a specific number of days in fact.

She pressed 'next'.

It asked, by the way, had she seen me - Ricochet - lately.

She pressed 'yes'.

It asked how I was looking.

She pressed... 'next'.

It asked if I was looking a) the same, b) toned, c) slimmer or d) fatter. Select one to continue.

... She pressed... 'the same'.

It suggested change was more interesting, didn't she think so? Maybe she just wasn't paying enough attention to me to notice the change.

On an unrelated note, it went on, did she know that studies had shown that dogs whose owners paid more attention to them tended to be more highly motivated?

Excuse me?


Have you just compared me to a dog, WiiFit? A lazy, unmotivated dog at that?

Is this, in fact, what you have just done?

I was under the impression that the WiiFit was something people bought so they didn't have to feel judged or pressured in gyms or when exercising in public spaces.
So they could feel comfortable going at their own pace in their own homes.

I didn't know that it gave you guilt trips and asked you to comment on the appearance of your friends and family!

No I don't use WiiFit that often.
For starters I only visit the family home on the weekends and when I'm there I often have more interesting things to do with my time, such as walking our real dogs in the real world in the real fresh air.

In addition I tend to prefer actually piffing a cricket ball at people or going for a swim or attending a yoga class to pretending to be a penguin flipping on an iceberg for fish.

You might be too big to fit in the microwave WiiFit but don't think that will save you.

You and me.

Some time soon.

Possibly with a mallet.

After all, it'll be good for my upper body strength which I'm sure you'll appreciate.

I obviously need the exercise!

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, Henry Rollins!

This is Henry Rollins.

He is bad for your bank balance.

Not because he advocates materialism, wants you to invest in his foolproof pyramid scheme or costs much to see but because every time I watch Henry Rollins perform I immediately want to book a ticket to fling myself out into the world with no fixed plans to come back.

I want to read more, listen to more music, talk to more people, take more chances, understand more about politics, shout down ignorance and celebrate the impossible breadth of human culture.

Forget New Year's Resolutions, Henry Rollins is an instant reset button for shelved plans and postponed ambitions.

He's uncomprimising, loud and probably exactly as exhausting to be around as he assures you he is but he has probably crammed more into the last five years of his life than I have into the entirety of mine and if I can approach even a fraction of his passion for life or productivity I'll consider myself lucky.

If you've never read any of his writing or seen any of his spoken word give him a chance.
You may not agree with some or what he says - or even much of what he says, depending on your personal views - but he will get you thinking, he will get you fired up and you will be left wanting to debate and research and experience and that's no small gift.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Henry Rollins!

Saturday, 10 April 2010


There are some subjects that create a divide between people that just cannot be breached.

Disagreements that cannot be put aside.


That make strangers out of family members, enemies out of friends, lunatics out of usually rational people.

You know the ones.

Usually the only thing you can do is agree never to broach the subject in company and hope that any committed couples have come to an arrangement on how they're going to raise the children.

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Cooking With Ricochet: How to Make ANZAC Biscuits

Makes... I can't remember, somewhere between 12 and 24... They don't usually last long enough to count them.

1 cup rolled oats
1 cup plain flour
1/2 cup sugar
3/4 cup dessicated coconut
2 tablespoons golden syrup
125g butter
1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda (baking soda)
1 tablespoon hot water

  1. Remember that it's April.
  2. Realise that means ANZAC Day is coming up. Spend some time thinking about the Australian and Kiwi men and women who have served their countries before guiltily beginning to obsess about ANZAC biscuits.
  3. Preheat the oven to 160 °C (320 °F) and then carefully knock over all of your baking trays. Twice.
  4. Place the oats, flour, sugar and coconut in a bowl. Pick a baking tray that hasn't been on the floor and place some baking paper on it.
  5. Answer a knock at your door, say G'day to your 70 year old landlord, accept some free cucumbers out of his garden and blink politely when he explains he has a shard of glass in his foot and asks you to dig it out.
  6. Dig a shard of glass out of your landlord's foot with a needle, say thanks for the cucumbers and stare in bemusement at your door for a while after he cheerfully bids you good day.
  7. Wash your hands. Twice. Maybe three times. You are cooking after all.
  8. Place the golden syrup and butter in a saucepan over a low heat, allow butter to melt and blend with the golden syrup. Resist the urge to drink what is essentially deliciously scented fat and sugar.
  9. Mix the bicarbonate of soda with the hot water and add to the butter mixture. Giggle in a very grown-up and not at all dorky fashion at the way the butter mixture fizzes up.
  10. Pour the butter mixture into the dry ingredients and mix well. Continue to not eat the mixture. Well, not all of it.
  11. Roll the mixture into balls the size of walnuts and then squish into biscuit shapes and place on a tray covered with baking paper that you have successfully continued to keep off the floor.
  12. Bake for 10 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on racks.
  13. Make a cup of tea and go mad on those biscuits. Eat the heck out of them.