Saturday, 23 January 2010

A Handful Of Haiku

Godzilla battles
The only real winners are
The construction firms

I cry in this
Postapocalyptic ode
For fallen cities

Stepping on your foot
One of the many dog ways
I say I love you

Sequels are to films
What necrophilia is
To blameless corpses

Gary Numan, right
He's a singer and pilot
Ha! Imagine that

Goddamn bloody hell
Who put this freaking chair here
Avenge my bruised toe!

You might have noticed
I'm a bit shit at haiku
I'll stop now - sorry!

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

Everyone has one thing - mundane and commonplace as it may be - that they dream of having once they have their own place and enough money to purchase it.

Some holy grail of comfort or convenience or straight up crazy indulgence which will complete their stately domain or humble hovel.

For some it might be a state-of-the-art drafting board. For others a futuristic uber-kitchen.

Mine is the perfect armchair.

Now, the armchair pictured might not be the perfect armchair.

But it might be.

Just look at it. Plush. Accommodating. Lots of soft angles to drape limbs across in various configurations.

The perfect armchair is big enough for you to pull your legs up underneath you or cross them in front of you without making you feel crowded or cramped.

The arms are high enough to lean on and in conjunction with the back make a nice corner to snuggle back into.

I'm not worried about being able to touch the floor with my feet when I sit in it because I can't do that with most chairs anyway*.

I am on a quest for the perfect armchair. And one day it will be mine.

The Perfect Armchair, a bookcase and maybe one little table.

What more could a person need**?


**There is a possibility that I spend far too much time thinking about armchairs...

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Down, Down And Away!

All righty, are you all buckled in and ready for the latest episode of conspiracy theory theatre?
The question is important, the key term is 'buckled in'!

OK, ready?
Here it goes!

The new car seat recline function devices are being designed by super villains!

Yes, I thought you'd be shocked.

Might sound a bit far fetched at first but stay with me.

Regard if you will the elegant and traditional car seat recline lever.

It is a handle attached to your seat that you can use to control your angle of tilt by engaging it and moving the chair with your body, as God intended, allowing for quick and easy manoeuvring and the option of suddenly dropping out of sniper view below the dashboard should the need arise.

Cast your eyes now on one of the new car seat recline devices.

It's a cog.
A cog, people.
Firstly, you either have to have the door of the car open or jam your hand down the painfully narrow gap between the seat and the door to operate it.
Secondly, you recline slowly in itty bitty increments guaranteeing that you would be well and truly aerated before it dropped you out of peril's way.

Conclusion? Supervillains, tired of their arch-nemeses escaping death by James Bonding their way out of harm's way and driving whilst reclined, cocktail in hand, have simply bought a controlling share in various car manufacturing businesses and/or carefully blackmailed the lead engineers.

Now, unmasking various automotive companies' CEOs as super villains would be time consuming, dangerous and ultimately rather difficult* and liberating engineers' families, friends or badly shot and embarrassing sex tapes from their blackmailers' slimy clutches would be equally fraught so what can you, the automotive consumer, do?

Essentially, try not to attract an arch-nemesis and where possible buy older model cars.
Or bulletproof glass.
You never know when it might come in handy.

*I mean there's evil and then there's EEEEEEEEEEEVIL!

Saturday, 2 January 2010

In The Vicinity Of My Troth!

It's that time again!

New Year's Resolution time!

Last year I managed 2 out of 3* of my resolutions, so with that modest amount of success under my belt I'm trying to Rodin's The Thinker another three worthwhile goals for 2010.

Here's what I came up with:

  • Resolution the First: Watch a Movie a Week that I Have Never Seen Before
    It might sound a bit of an odd resolution but a couple of years ago I fell into the terrible habit of recycling movies and books I'd already experienced and enjoyed instead of seeking out new ones.
    Whilst there's nothing wrong with occasionally re-watching a favourite or a classic they shouldn't make up 80% of your leisure intake.
    It took joining a book club to remind me of that lovely thing called reading that I used to do properly and kick me back into seeking out new and different authors, I'm taking it upon myself to start picking out new movies.
    There are only so many hours in a life and I want new experiences in as many of them as possible.
  • Resolution the Second: Learn to Crochet
    I bought this book. Because the little critters are adorable. And I must have them.
    But this involves learning the basics first seeing as I don't think I've ever crocheted in my life**. This is partially because I am allergic to wool, hate synthetics and keep forgetting that there are cotton yarns out there.
  • Resolution the Third: Donate Blood
    The only two times I have ever donated blood I was a student, I wasn't eating regular meals, I got incredibly dizzy and marvelled at the sensation of my hearing turning itself off as my body pointed out that I was quite, quite dehydrated. So I haven't donated in something like 6 years which is a disgrace considering how little it inconveniences me and how much it could help other people.
So there we go.
Three nice fresh resolutions for a new year.
Fingers crossed.

* I started studying Italian again, did a first aid course but didn't begin learning guitar. I think it's blatant cheating to grant learning guitar a continuance - so even if I do start lesson this year that'll just be 'a good thing' rather than a resolution.
**My memory is terrible, I've done some crochet-like crafts in the past but I can't tell you what they actually were...