Saturday, 24 April 2010

I Will Punch You Right In The Motherboard!

Alright electronic devices, it is on!

You and me! Right now!

I've always known you held me in contempt and now I have the proof and we are going to throw down here and now, last one alive wins!

No, I haven't had a computer disaster.
My refrigerator and microwave continue to function adequately.
Even if any of these devices had experienced a malfunction this would be a mere inconvenience.

It is not an inconvenience which has incurred my wrath.

It was an insult.

A direct and unmistakable insult!

The other day my sister took a break from studying and decided to spend a bit of time on the WiiFit.

She pressed the power button, stepped up onto the device and waited for it to start offering her exciting, brightly covered activities.

It greeted her.

She pressed 'next'.

It mentioned it hadn't seen her for a while, a specific number of days in fact.

She pressed 'next'.

It asked, by the way, had she seen me - Ricochet - lately.

She pressed 'yes'.

It asked how I was looking.

She pressed... 'next'.

It asked if I was looking a) the same, b) toned, c) slimmer or d) fatter. Select one to continue.

... She pressed... 'the same'.

It suggested change was more interesting, didn't she think so? Maybe she just wasn't paying enough attention to me to notice the change.

On an unrelated note, it went on, did she know that studies had shown that dogs whose owners paid more attention to them tended to be more highly motivated?

Excuse me?


Have you just compared me to a dog, WiiFit? A lazy, unmotivated dog at that?

Is this, in fact, what you have just done?

I was under the impression that the WiiFit was something people bought so they didn't have to feel judged or pressured in gyms or when exercising in public spaces.
So they could feel comfortable going at their own pace in their own homes.

I didn't know that it gave you guilt trips and asked you to comment on the appearance of your friends and family!

No I don't use WiiFit that often.
For starters I only visit the family home on the weekends and when I'm there I often have more interesting things to do with my time, such as walking our real dogs in the real world in the real fresh air.

In addition I tend to prefer actually piffing a cricket ball at people or going for a swim or attending a yoga class to pretending to be a penguin flipping on an iceberg for fish.

You might be too big to fit in the microwave WiiFit but don't think that will save you.

You and me.

Some time soon.

Possibly with a mallet.

After all, it'll be good for my upper body strength which I'm sure you'll appreciate.

I obviously need the exercise!

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