It is not yet the season! For God's sake it is not yet the season to be jolly! Knock it off and come back when it is seemly!
Aries
If you try to swim in your loose change like Scrooge McDuck you'll just hurt yourself. Trust me.
Taurus
Feeling screwed up? Watch Jerry Springer. It'll make you feel better.
Gemini
You will be overcome by an overwhelming sense of dread and not know why until you realise that they're playing Christmas carols in the shops already.
Cancer
Acting like you know what you're doing is fine until someone asks you for advice. Bluff!
Leo
Trying to reconcile your horoscope and Chinese zodiac can give you a headache. As can combining aromatherapy and acupuncture.
Virgo
Put some time aside each day to relax. Preferably between the start of the work day and quitting time.
Libra
Your starsign isn't talking to your right now. You said something mean about it last time and it isn't in the mood to give you advice. Or warn you about the thing with the apples.
Scorpio
Never go out with someone with the same starsign as you. You think the same. They'll know what you're up to.
Sagittarius
Low GI is the new anti-oxidant. Vague nutritional concepts have never been so fashionable.
Capricorn
Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?
Aquarius
Buying a high-powered telescope is NOT in keeping with the spirit of your restraining order.
Pisces
Never try to expect the unexpected. You feel like a complete tool when it catches you by surprise.
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