Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Your Internet Horoscope #5

The celestial spheres have spoken…

You will get drunk and tell a stranger that the song that has just started playing is ‘all about you’. They will be slightly worried as the song in question is We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel

You will briefly develop the ability to understand the speech of reptiles but will not come into contact with any during the relevant time period and will never get to use this marvellous gift.

We have entered your time of ‘power’, your slice of the annual pie and you should be feeling replete with extraordinary powers and maximum luck. But instead you’ve been overcome by the urge to buy matching sets of crockery… Go figure.

Someone you knew who had a name that started with a letter who liked to do things that involved movement is trying to contact you from beyond the grave according to a late night phone-in TV psychic. You should look into that.

The local law enforcement authorities have been tipped off and are less than thrilled with your zombie apocalypse preparations and stockpile. For some reason explaining that the decapitation capable tools are only intended for use against the undead does not reassure them.

Research into your family history will reveal that your heritage may not be as magnificent as you might have hoped but at least none of the lines cross in a suspicious manner.

All of your suspicions are correct. All of them. Yes, even that one. I know. I was as surprised as you are but there you go.

Someone in your place of employment will get a disgusting change of season cold and will kindly share it around with everyone else. They will get their just desserts a few weeks later when the first bout has petered out and someone else brings it back for Round Two.

When the stars have aligned themselves just right you will think of the perfect retort during an argument rather than two days later. It will be the most glorious moment of your life.

An incident in the supermarket could turn you off frozen treats for life if the proper safety measures are not observed. A pinch of salt in your left pocket and a photo of Jeremy Clarkson in your right pocket should suffice.

This would be a good time to start collecting a strange and worrying array of objects, newspaper articles and hand written notes to hide for your descendents or executors to find after your death. It’ll keep the little buggers amused for a while.

You will be hypnotised by the bright garish shirt of a news anchor on a less than reputable news service and find yourself believing all sorts of outlandish things until your loved ones arrange an intervention and deprogramming.

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