From the top of my head to the bottom of your list of priorities.
Things That I’ve Done This Long Without And Intend Never To Master
- Hairdryers – Once you start, that’s it. You’re its slave. You can’t go out without you magical heat sculpted hair or people will think you are a tramp! And not the fun kind with fishnet stockings! And then when it’s a ‘special occasion’ you can’t just have your normal hairdryer hair! You need to spend a mint at the hairdresser or use a tonne of gel and, I dunno, sculpt your hair into the shape of a swan or something!
- Clothes Irons – If you hang your clothes out to dry nice and quick you don’t have to bloody iron them and won’t risk ending up with creases where creases shouldn’t be because you don’t know what you’re doing or spending maybe half of your weekend apply hot metal to defenseless fabric [and on occasion, when you stop paying attention, to yourself].
- Any Appliance Ever Demonstrated By Jamie Oliver – OK, not the electric beaters or the oven but that cyborg mixer that looks like it could mince up a body if it was cut into manageable chunks first or any of those other fancy assed devices – just, no. I expect I can’t afford them and I’d keep forgetting to use them and eventually I would press the wrong button at the wrong time and would forever after be known as ‘Dummy One Thumb’.
Things That Are A Pretty Good Bet To Make Me Tear Up
- The Christmas Carol The Little Drummer Boy – He had no money but he still wanted to give the baby a present and he tried so damn hard and… dammit I was raised Catholic!
- That Futurama Episode Jurassic Bark – The dog waits for him! It just waits and waits and just when the reunion it had been waiting for all its life is moments away Fry changes his mind! Damn you Fry! Damn you Matt Groening and David X Cohen and all you other rat bastards! The hell is wrong with you!?
- When Mufasa Dies In The Lion King – What? The music is moving and Simba is really sad and he thinks it’s his fault… Oh shit, all my sad things are cartoons and carols… I’m such a girl…
Things It's Fun To Say When People Are Just About To Swallow Their Drink
- “What's the plural of penis? Penises or penii?"
- "I heard your sister's going out with SQUEAK!
Reasons I Would Make A Good Vampire
- I used to bite people when I was a little kid, the urge never completely fades.
- I already totally own a bottle of black nail polish.
- I studied Arts at university, I am just chock full of ennui and philosophical observations on the fragile nature of mortality.
Reasons I Would Make A Crappy Vampire
- I wouldn’t want to bite just any old chump. First of all their neck would have to be clean *yeesh* and have we worked out what happens to vampires if the human has been hitting the druggies, or is full of disease or has a cholesterol situation that should have alarm bells attached to it? Can vampires have heart attacks?
- Stopping to try and slather people with cheese tends to give them time to try and scream for help and/or escape.
- I would be unable to stop eating garlic and would accidentally top myself by eating a pizza. What? If I was lactose intolerant you’d have to kill me to get me to stop eating ice cream, you think I’m going to give up garlic? I’m 50% garlic!