Sunday, 20 June 2010

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves Stay Away From Self-Help

*Click click click*

"Welcome to your first lesson on how to actualise your full youness! By taking this first step you have already put yourself on the road to realising your true destiny!"

"If you say so, buddy."

"Now we're going to start out with some affirmations just to get you in the right headspace to visualise your unique core of personhood."

"I... would rather not visualise that..."

"Repeat after me: I am an important and special person with unfulfilled potential and opportunities!"

"I am sitting alone in a dark room talking to myself!"

"Very good. Now repeat after me: I can achieve anything I want if only I believe in myself!"

"If I really believed in myself I wouldn't be taking advice from a talking disc!"

"Excellent! You're doing so well!"

"Thanks disembodied validation man!"

"Now that you're warmed up and receptive it's time to massage those under-appreciated actualisation muscles-"

"Noooo thank you, I know code for 'But I didn't even order a pizza' when I hear it, see you later,"


"Today we're going to work on subverting the dominant paradigm and recreating the surviving structures and inhabitants in your own image because really, it's no more than you deserve..."

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