If You Have A Friend Who Is Always Late

I'm going to start this off by stating upfront that I am that friend.

I am late to lots of things.

Some of it is due to optimism about how long the trip (and any tasks I need to perform before it) will take.

Some of it is due to being easily distracted.

Some of it is due to the fact that I would really rather be doing the thing I'm doing than the thing I'm supposed to be doing (eg, reading my book instead of going to a social gathering predominantly peopled with a bunch of folk I only tangentially know).


The point is this.

If you react with surprise, jokes, or sarcasm any time I turn up on time or early, I will stop trying to.

I will straight up give up on turning up on time because it's not worth the hassle.

I am already struggling against my natural tendency to think that the drive will be smooth and my low-level anxiety that I've left something important behind or might have forgotten the address.

If you add in making a big deal of any time I successfully combat and defeat these obstacles like I'm a sabre-tooth tiger that has spontaneously announced that actually it's a vegan, that's not helping.

I have years of trying to break this shitty habit behind me, years of that little voice whispering 'you're going to be late anyway, why put yourself through this stress?', and every time I manage to push past it in my attempt to be 'not that guy' everyone rewards me by pointing out that this is out of character because I am 'that guy'.

If you have a friend who is always late here is my advice:

• If they turn up on time or early just act pleased to see them.Seriously. You have no idea how useful this would be and how far it would go towards helping reinforce this behaviour and letting them break their habit. Try not to act surprised if you can but if your eyebrows go up anyway just keep the urge to comment on their earliness locked inside. Making people feel self-conscious is not helpful.
  The only circumstance that this wouldn't be good advice is if your friend thrives on attention and lavishing them with praise will ping the 'reward' button in their brain.
• Give them something to do.
  This may not be universal but if you give me a task which will help you then I am so much more likely to turn up on time. Ask me to get the ice for the BBQ and I will be there before the drinks have time to get warm.
• Do NOT tell them a different time to everyone else.If you tell me that the party is at 6pm and it turns out I manage to turn up at 6pm to find you going 'oh wow, the party isn't until 6:30pm/7pm, I just said 6pm so you'd turn up on time' I will not only feel embarrassed I will be pissed off.
  If you tell me 6pm for a party that's actually at 6:30pm and I turn up at 6:30pm and you tell everyone there what you did and they all have a jolly laugh about it I will not only be embarrassed I will be fucking furious. And I will actively start turning up later to things you host. Instead of being half an hour late due to bad time management I will probably be an hour late due to bad time management and also spite because fuck you.
• Do not just sound resigned when they apologise.I know this one is hard because if someone is always apologising for something but they keep doing it, you get over it after a certain point. But just like calling attention to the fact that someone has turned up early reinforces the idea that their habit is a given, going 'yeah, we know, we're used to it' confirms that this is the way everyone sees them and that trying to change themselves could conceivably lead to everyone still acting surprised every single time they turn up on time for years into the future so why bother?
  If the apologising drives you crazy just have a private conversation with them at some point and say 'Look, you're late to a lot of stuff and I know you aren't doing it to be a dick but apologising every time doesn't make either of us feel better. If you're working on it that's great but for now how about just stop apologising.' I can't guarantee that conversation will go smoothly, it could be hella awkward but the thing about apologies is they're supposed to be for isolated incidences, they're supposed to indicate you regret your behaviour and you'll strive to change it in the future. If you just use apologies like bandaids instead of trying to fix the problem you might as well stop apologising and just own the fact that you're routinely late.
• Don't be passive/aggressive about it.If you can't look someone directly in the eye and say 'it really hurt my feelings that you were late' or 'It's really important to me that you're on time for this one' then don't be passive-aggressive about it instead because passive-aggression has solved very little in the history of humanity. If you've told them it's important and they're still late, then tell them you're disappointed, they need to know. If you can't be honest about these things then your friendship will deteriorate.
• Don't baby them.Being late is a shitty annoying habit. I am not going to beat about the bush, it is goddamn annoying.
  It's annoying when people do it to you, it is bloody frustrating as hell when you do it to other people.
  But the point is this: a person who is always late to shit is a grown up who is managing their time poorly, they are not - unless they've experienced a brain injury or are neurodiverse* - like this for a special reason that requires you to tip toe around them.
  Yelling at them or being a shit-hole to them won't change their behaviour any more than it makes fat people thin or smokers quit but ignoring the problem or their behaviour won't do them or you any favours.

In summary, don't be a dick or a doormat.

You as the friend of a perennially late person deserve the respect and consideration that them doing their level best to turn up on time entails and they deserve the chance to change their shitty habit without being made to feel like they're a freakshow attraction every time they put the effort in.




Disclaimer: My lateness tends to be situation specific.
If it's something to do with an appointment (eg, the doctor or a dinner reservation) I will turn up just before, just on time or a handful of minutes late.
If it's something to do with a flight or a train or a museum exhibition that has a timed entry I will be aggressively early because the idea of missing my flight/train/museum time is hella stressful.
If it's something that is being held at someone's house and is probably going to run all day, I will probably be late.


*In this situation neurodiversity would refer to someone who has a neurological condition that makes telling time or keeping track of the passage of time difficult, or alternatively someone who experiences anxiety or OCD or another condition that would make it difficult to be on time/leave the house/be keen to interact socially comfortably.

The Eternal Argument

[This is a backdated post]

I got caught in a TEDX loop the other day.

You click on one talk, Youtube helpfully suggests a handful of other talks you may be interested in, you click on one or more of those, they each come with their own suggestions, and all of a sudden it's hours later, you have dozens of tabs open, and you're all full of enthusiasm and possibly some contradictory ideas.

The talk that tripped me up this time was The Ten-Item Wardrobe by Jennifer L Scott.

The reason it threw me out so much is that it restarted an argument my brain likes to have every now and then which boils down to:

'Having nice new things is lovely but this thing isn't broken yet and throwing it out would be wasteful.'

The start of the talk sort of lulled me into that 'holy shit, I'm going to change some habits' enthusiasm when she spoke about making sure that clothes fit you, are age appropriate, are in good nick, and suit your style.

I'm sure there are plenty of things in my wardrobe and drawers that could get donated or tossed because I don't wear them any more (or shouldn't wear them any more) and I have been slowly getting around to that in stages.

The bit that derailed the full steam ahead enthusiasm train was when she spoke about getting rid of her baggy sweatpants and t-shirt sleepwear combo and buying some nice pyjamas instead.

Because I am totally on board with the idea that the clothes you wear outside should be done away with when they get holes you can't mend or have become noticeably shabby, but when I'm sleeping... who cares?

The singlets or trackies that aren't nice enough to wear outside any more but are still doing OK make fine being unconscious accoutrement.

Having a nice pair of jim jams to wear when you go away on holidays or are staying at someone else's place isn't a bad idea, I have some floating around the place myself, but getting rid of stuff that could conceivably be serviceable for this purpose for years...

Jennifer said it was to do with treating yourself and feeling well put together at all times, even in private or when sleeping but... eh.

I think I'm going to end up with a compromise where I buy good quality stuff that'll last a decent while, get rid of stuff that doesn't cut it any more, and continue to enjoy my daggy at-home-wear because ditching it for nicer new threads won't make me feel elegant and confident, it'll make me feel wasteful.

Now I'm going to wander off and watch some more videos about minimalism, something that appeals to me intellectually and emotionally but which I will never be able to pursue because I like my stuff too much...

So Help Me, If I Don't Behave I Will Turn Myself Around And Go Right Home!

[This is a backdated post] 

One of the weirdest things about growing up is when you get past the initial 'ha ha, I'm in charge of myself and I can do whatever I want!' glee spasm...

Gotta Love XKCD

... and realise that this means that you are the adult in charge.

Yes, you can do whatever you want now but you have to look at the consequences and make the hard calls to make sure that you don't miss out on what you want long term because you were too caught up in the joys of the short term.

Essentially, you become your own strict parent.
You are the angel on your own shoulder as well as the demon on the other.

Whether you hear echoes of your mother or father as your inner voice prompts 'do you really need that?' as you reach towards the supermarket shelf, or you just hear your own voice saying 'you'll regret that later and there is other shit you should be doing with that time/money', the fact remains:

You are the authority figure in your own life*.

And like being an authority figure anywhere you have to figure out how to make this work for you.

Do you respond better to bribing or 'firm but fair' reasoning?

I know something that doesn't tend to work well for me - at least in the long run - is threats or punishments.

For a while I successfully dragged myself out to start the day by telling myself that any day I hit the snooze button, I wouldn't be allowed to use the internet for personal/recreational reasons that day.

It eventually lost its power because I've never been a disciplinarian by nature, I'm not very good at being imposing or stern.
And like they say 'never make a threat you aren't prepared to follow through on or you will lose your credibility'.
The first time I slept in and then let myself fuck around on the internet later in the day was the death knell of that particular tactic.

Finding a way to reward or incentivise yourself without invalidating the good behaviour** can be a bit tricky but you have to work out what works for you otherwise you just end up berating yourself for your actions but not doing anything to change them.

I'm still fine tuning my own approach as I am both incredibly reluctant to get into the bed at the end of the day and incredibly reluctant to get out of it come the next morning and this kind of 'you know you'll be annoyed with yourself later but you don't care enough to stop yourself now' bad habit is a fairly typical example of 'things I am trying to knock off but uuuuhhhhhhhh'.

I'm better at other things like budgeting, planning trips or projects, making myself decent meals.
I just need to work out how to bring those skills to things like getting out of bed, putting down that book, not having that many biscuits with a cup of tea.

I still feel like a complete imposter when people react to me like I'm a grown up but I fully expect to feel that way when I'm shuffling towards my final rest so I'm not too fussed about that any more.

Get past that first stumbling block so that I can make self-control automatic rather than a big pouting tantrum in the middle of my frontal lobes and I'll be unstoppable!
Or at least getting started earlier!
Baby steps!



*Or at least you should be. Once you're a grown up you should at least get an equal vote in decisions that concern you.

**"If you go to the gym you can have a pizza for dinner and a bowl of ice-cream the size of your head for dessert!"

Me Vs Me: Sleep

I have a love/hate relationship with sleep.

Wait, that's not true, I pretty much adore sleep unreservedly but the love/hate relationship exists in relation to my complete lack of self control with regards to sleep.

I love the luxurious feeling of a long, relaxing lie in.

I love waking up and then choosing to roll over and snuggle back into my blankets.

But I hate that I can wake up, know that I am going to be furious with myself later for not getting up, and then still stick my head back under my pillow and make with the Zs.

Sleep-ins are excellent for when you've earned them, when you feel like pampering yourself, when you've been super-exhausted or on public holidays when you usually would be at work but aren't.

But when you have things that you want to get done, need to get done, were looking forward to having done... and you don't have time to do them because you hit the snooze button, that's where the love/hate part kicks in.

I don't know if it's a generational thing but I don't think I'll ever be one of those 'gets up at 6am every morning like clockwork even 20 years after retirement because that's what I did all my working life' people, and not just because I haven't had to get up at/before 6am for work since I finished working hospitality.

If I don't have to get up - and I mean have to with a capital H, the kind where you might get yelled at or fired or make somebody cry at their own birthday party - then I don't.

A few years ago I thought this was me choosing to live life the way I liked it, with extra sleep.

Now I feel like there's two me's, First Wake Up Me who doesn't give a damn about consequences and lives only to please herself and Second Wake Up Me who has to clean up after her.

It's not that I'm exhausted or lethargic or anything like that which might suggest that I have a medical condition that might explain this behaviour.
I'm just behaving like a jackass.

I know this is going to be difficult habit to ditch and will take a long time to shift behaviour that at this point I've been indulging in for about half of my life but I'm determined to try.

First Wake Up Me has to start pulling her own weight.

And if that means going to bed earlier, chugging water before I turn in and buying the loudest alarm clock money can buy and then putting it where I can't reach it or its power cord from my bed, then that's what I'm going to do.

The Bag Lady

I have a tendency to take things with me 'just in case'.

This often serves me well as 'just in case' turns up every once in a while and sometimes I or somebody I know benefits from the bandaids, pens, maps and miscellanea that I have on hand.

I've pared down the amount of 'just in case' items from a previous status of 'ridiculous' to their current status of 'not too bad but probably still a little too much' but there's one thing that seems to be slowing me down quite considerably.

My laptop.

Watching with thinly disguised jealousy as a coworker glanced at her watch, swung her bag onto her shoulder and disappeared into the distance in the blink of an eye I wondered why I couldn't be like that.

As I unplugged my power cord.

And disconnected from the internet.

And clicked on the Safely Remove Hardware icon.

And removed my internet USB.

And shut down my laptop.

And put it and all its paraphernalia into its shoulder bag.

And swung that bag onto my shoulder.

And my handbag.

And picked up the little cooler bag I'd brought my lunch in.

'Well, poop on this!' I thought! 'I can get by without my laptop at work!'

I mean, all it does is let me listen to whatever music or talking book I like, allow me to check Twitter/my email/any other websites banned by our work network, hold an array of items that I can transfer across and email to coworkers to enhance my points during arguments or offer distraction during the boring parts of the day...

I can do this...

So starting tomorrow I'm not taking my laptop with me to work.

For a fortnight.

I'd say a week but I already spent Monday wrapped in its loving embrace so that hardly counts* and seems a bit weak.

I'll just put a bunch of music onto a USB and take that instead.

I'm sure I'll be fine.

And even if I'm not this will probably be good for me.

I need to detach a little bit before I pull a full on Serial Experiments Lain or whatever the less technologically proficient version of that might be.

It should also save me about half an hour of farting around per day unpacking/packing up my laptop and I'm going to use that time to go for a walk or something.

If all goes smoothly and I don't crack like an addict who didn't realise just how hard cold turkey was going to be, I may very well make it a permanent arrangement. I expect Future Me and her back/shoulder would thank me for it.



*The fact that next Monday is a public holiday and technically doesn't count also factors into the equation.

One, Two, Keep A Few, Ninety-Nine, One Hundred

I know I have some habits that could be considered mildly compulsive.

I like the colours of clothes pegs holding up one item to match.

I like to write journal items in blue ink, fiction or lists in black ink and diary/planner items in pencil.

I like even numbers.

That's essentially it.

They're not rules, it doesn't bother me to break them but I prefer to have things match when convenient.

I was a little worse when I was a kid.

I would actually go out of my way to avoid cracks in the pavement, not because I really believed that stepping on them would break my mother's back but not quite willing to take that chance.

All that said, every now and then I'll do something a bit odd and not know why.

Like this.


This is 197 cider bottle caps.

One day a few years ago I left a cider cap on the draining board next to my sink overnight.


The next night when I had another cider I put the second cap next to the first.


They were joined by a third.


I swept them into a plastic container to get them out of the way.

And then for some reason I just kept adding to them.


I didn't drink more often or more beverages in order to add to the pile, I just added to the pile when I happened to have something to add.

Over a few years, a few summers really, I kept my caps.

And then one day I just stopped.

I really don't know why I started.

I don't know why I stopped.

I don't know why I kept the collection for a few months after I stopped.

It's particularly perplexing because I don't keep collections of anything else.

I didn't care about it in any significant way at the time and it doesn't bother me to pour them all into the bin now.


It's just something I did and now I'm not doing it any more.

So if you ever worry that you're a bit weird, don't worry, me too.

Filling The Void

When I turned six years old my parents gave me a clock radio for my birthday.

Some kids might have thought that a cruddy gift but I was thrilled!

Now the monsters under my bed wouldn't dare come out because they'd think the radio was somebody else talking, somebody else with me.

Take that you nebulous bastards! No more suffocating under the doona for me!

I'm not sure if that's where my preference for having some kind of background noise came from or whether it was just something I picked up along the way.

I do know that whenever things get too much I like to have sound around me, something I can ignore if I feel like it or listen to if I want to.

Especially when there's something that won't stop bouncing around in my head, something that I'm fretting about or waiting for or desperately but unsuccessfully trying not to think about.

And it's useful in those times, it gives me a bit of breathing room, stops me from going into a spiral of 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'.

But when last week I cracked the shits because you can't listen to your mp3 player when doing laps in the pool, I figured I'd let it get away from me.

What was once a coping mechanism had become the norm.

So as a little experiment* I've been turning everything off in the evenings for the last few days.

No TV unless I was specifically watching a show, no surfing or leaving the TV on shows in a 'this will do' daze, nothing left burbling away on the laptop, no radio, no CDs.

And so far I haven't gone wall-climbingly, effigy-buildingly, backwards-writing-on-the-walls-so-the-words-reflect-the-right-way-around-in-the-mirror-when-the-lightning-flashes-ly insane.

Time seems to go a bit slower, I guess because there's less occupying your senses and you can concentrate on whatever you're doing.

I read more in shorter periods of time, household tasks generally don't take as long and unless somebody/something makes creepy or unexplained noises outside my window I get to sleep quite easily and probably sleep more deeply.

I'm unlikely to keep up this regime of quiet time as a permanent arrangement but it's nice to know that it's doable.

That I hadn't slowly wrangled myself into some sort of audio-dependency that I would have to spend months or years weaning myself off.

It's reassuring to know that despite my overactive imagination I haven't somehow brought the monsters of childhood with me in another form.

That I can empty my mind every now and then, even though it doesn't stay empty for long.

That I still make good company for myself when left alone in the quiet.



*On myself. Like a mad scientist.