Sunday, 20 April 2008

You Don't Know What They're Like...

Everyone thinks they're so damn cute with their little twitchy noses and their little pouches and every other damn thing.

Yeah well, tell that to my car!
Driving along, minding my own business, BAM!
No I didn't bloody hit the kangaroo!
I am not whining because it jumped out in front of me and I was unable to stop before impact, that's common enough and a risk we all take driving anywhere with a kangaroo population, I could have dealt with that.
I am whining because I had a kangaroo run full tilt into the side of my car!
Being hip-and-shouldered by a marsupial whilst driving - I mean who prepares for that?
There goes a huge wad of cash as the automotive industry breathes heavily and rubs a statue of the roo in a somewhat indecent manner.

It's hard enough keeping your eyes on the damn indecisive nancies that line the roads as you approach, twisting their toes in the dirt and shyly wondering whether they're going to bound in front of you, keep time alongside you or turn and head away back into the bush. They like to leave the decision until the last possible moment just so you can enjoy the spontaneity of their bound with them.

I mean yes I feel bad the damn fool animal probably hurt itself but those things are built like brick shithouses, they are taken at birth to a secret grove where cement is injected directly into their veins so even the smallest roo can completely total your vehicle.
That and the fact that even a moderately sized kangaroo could, if startled or all hopped up on sex hormones during that time of the year, kick your intestines out through the small of your back, has led most of us to have a healthy respect for the buggers.

Visitors to Australia are sometimes a little shocked that we're not more excited about kangaroos and get this terrible kicked puppy look in their eyes when we casually mention that the best place to spot roos is gently bloating along the side of the highway.
Or mention that roo meat is delicious...

And people who want to hug koalas?
Well you wouldn't want to hug them if you heard the noises those little buggers make, like an old man with a phlegmy chest perving on a catholic school girl, or saw what they could do with those adorable little clawed hands of theirs.

If you want to hear some interesting stories about possums, ask a New Zealander, as their country regards this member of our fluffy inhabitants as vermin who are actively destroying aspects of New Zealand's ecosystem. And you don't want the buggers in your roof!

Wombats? Never bothered me personally but if you hit one in your car it'd look like you lost a game of chicken with a solid iron ingot about the size of a dog and apparently they have been known to burrow under your house and do... things, and also knock over your bins.

Echidnas pretty much keep to themselves so are still considered cute but step on one...

Platypi* are even more reclusive so they're one of the more highly favoured Aussie animals and we don't even eat them...

Emus however, mighty tasty...
Look they're big stupid curious birds who will scare the shit out of you.
If you have a packet of hot chips on you and are unwise enough to wander out anywhere in emu territory you will find them converging on you through the long grass in a manner reminiscent of the raptors in Jurassic Park II.
Of course emus can't open doors but they'd have a spirited go at eating the doorknobs.

I don't know why we're supposed to feel any worse about having an emu burger than someone in the States or appropriate parts of Europe should feel about a big old deer steak but something about nomming down on the animals on our coat of arms really really seems to bug folk.
Yes, Skippy was a wonderful fanciful program and so on but so was Bambi and that hasn't stopped anyone...

*Yep, that's the plural.

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