Saturday, 16 June 2012

Things I'd Like To Have In My House But Possibly Never Will Because I'm Mental

Folding Screens

There could be monsters behind there.


OK, fine, axe murderers. There could be an axe murderer hiding behind it.

Coat Racks

It looks good, right?

Functional, a bit classy if you buy the right one.

But if I walk through a darkened room that contains a coat rack, just about every time my brain will go 'shadowy spindly shape in the corner = intruder/alien' and completely flip out.

Sure the panic will last for a split second until my memory kicks in with 'durr, it's your coat rack' but a split second of terror every night for the rest of my life?

That has to have ramifications for you health.


Ahhhhhhh! OK, to be fair it would probably look more like this...

But basements are where they keep you until the neighbours stop asking where you've gone.

We all know this.

Anything Really Antique

It looks lovely until the vengeful spirit of its original owner leaves you torn to shreds and draped around your own house like bunting at a macabre jubilee!

Shower Curtains*

Not only do they suddenly try to cling all over you like a teenage boy at a school dance if you get too close to them during a hot shower on a cold day, we also know that shower curtains are only good for two thing...

  1. Giving psychopaths a place to hide
  2. Being stabbed through.


I know I'm not really going to be torn apart by vengeful spirits or eaten by monsters or murdered by a shadowy figure with an axe** but I have a truly overactive imagination and a 'you never know' attitude towards superstitions and the unexplained***.

I probably will get a coat rack and a folding screen one day, dunno about antiques, and I probably won't even have to think about a basement.
I know basements are handy for storage and for hiding during Cold Wars but in Australia we've never really gone in for basements in a big way, they're not that common.

*This addition care of Erin Palette who reminded me of the existence of these menaces!

**Fingers crossed!

***And the rock-solid belief that if you say something won't happen to you and are all smug about it that you're just about daring the universe to make it happen.


Erin Palette said...

I'm in complete agreement with you on the folding screens. It's why I can't stand to go into a bathroom with a drawn shower curtain!

I had never thought about the hatrack but you make a good point.

Further, I simply refuse to enter ANY room that's dark. Full stop. I may fumble around in the doorway feeling for the light switch but I plainly will never enter a dark room because you know that has never ended well in all the history of TV and movies.

Ricochet said...

I'd forgotten about shower curtains! They're going on the list!

Erin, yes!
Whenever I see somebody walk past a light switch into a dark room, I just want to swat them on the back of the head.
Even if you know that room like the back of your hand WHY wouldn't you just turn on the light?
You're going to have to do it in a minute anyway, so do it first!