Cooking With Ricochet: How To Make Lazy Chicken And Vegetable Pasta Bake

Serves about 4 depending on how ravenous your guests are.

Ingredients
1 can of condensed chicken and corn soup
500 g of penne
1/2 a barbecued chicken
1 zucchini
1 carrot
1 1/2 cups of grated tasty cheese

Steps

1. Decide you can't be bothered cooking, opt to have toast for dinner.
2. Remember your parents are coming over, give up and pull out a lazy recipe instead.
3. Preheat the oven to 200 °C*.
   
4. Put the 500 g of dried penne on to cook for about 10 minutes in a pot of boiling water, with a bit of salt. Probably too much. Damn. Drain it and put it aside.
   
5. Grate the zucchini and the carrot, congratulating yourself for not grating your fingers off whilst your parents sit on your couch and flick channels on your TV.
6. Shred the barbecued chicken, carefully not eating any of it before you put it in the bowl.
7. Mix the soup, zucchini, carrot, shredded chicken and penne together and pour them into a baking dish. Accidentally drip a bit on the cat who then runs away and hides under the bed and refuses to come out so you can clean him off. Give up as the other cat runs in and starts enthusiastically cleaning soup and chicken off the first cat for you.
8. Sprinkle the cheese on top of the pasta and bung it into the oven for about 20 minutes.
9. Put on your oven mitts, pull out the baking dish.
10. Decide the pasta bake may be cooked but will be more delicious if you grill the cheese a bit.
11. Take off your oven mitts to turn the grill on.
12. Blithely pick up the baking dish, turn around to put it under the grill.
13. Something's burning.
14. IT'S YOUR FINGERTIPS, YOU IDIOT!
15. Manage somehow to dump the piping hot straight-out-of-the-oven baking dish onto the cooking range instead of the floor.
16. Ask your Mum to put the baking dish under the grill whilst you hold your fingertips under cold running water, reminding her first of the importance of oven mitts.
17. Serve up the deliciously golden brown cheesy, chicken and vegetable pasta bake with some salad.
18. Keep swapping hands between eating duties and a cold pack during the meal.
19. Two days later notice that you miraculously don't have any lasting damage, blisters or any indication apart from a callous on one fingertip that you almost burned your stupid fingerprints off.
20. Cancel planned crime spree.
    

*That's about 390 °F

Filling The Void

When I turned six years old my parents gave me a clock radio for my birthday.

Some kids might have thought that a cruddy gift but I was thrilled!

Now the monsters under my bed wouldn't dare come out because they'd think the radio was somebody else talking, somebody else with me.

Take that you nebulous bastards! No more suffocating under the doona for me!

I'm not sure if that's where my preference for having some kind of background noise came from or whether it was just something I picked up along the way.

I do know that whenever things get too much I like to have sound around me, something I can ignore if I feel like it or listen to if I want to.

Especially when there's something that won't stop bouncing around in my head, something that I'm fretting about or waiting for or desperately but unsuccessfully trying not to think about.

And it's useful in those times, it gives me a bit of breathing room, stops me from going into a spiral of 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'.

But when last week I cracked the shits because you can't listen to your mp3 player when doing laps in the pool, I figured I'd let it get away from me.

What was once a coping mechanism had become the norm.

So as a little experiment* I've been turning everything off in the evenings for the last few days.

No TV unless I was specifically watching a show, no surfing or leaving the TV on shows in a 'this will do' daze, nothing left burbling away on the laptop, no radio, no CDs.

And so far I haven't gone wall-climbingly, effigy-buildingly, backwards-writing-on-the-walls-so-the-words-reflect-the-right-way-around-in-the-mirror-when-the-lightning-flashes-ly insane.

Time seems to go a bit slower, I guess because there's less occupying your senses and you can concentrate on whatever you're doing.

I read more in shorter periods of time, household tasks generally don't take as long and unless somebody/something makes creepy or unexplained noises outside my window I get to sleep quite easily and probably sleep more deeply.

I'm unlikely to keep up this regime of quiet time as a permanent arrangement but it's nice to know that it's doable.

That I hadn't slowly wrangled myself into some sort of audio-dependency that I would have to spend months or years weaning myself off.

It's reassuring to know that despite my overactive imagination I haven't somehow brought the monsters of childhood with me in another form.

That I can empty my mind every now and then, even though it doesn't stay empty for long.

That I still make good company for myself when left alone in the quiet.



*On myself. Like a mad scientist.

An Insupportable Hypothesis

I really don't think you've thought this whole thing through, Rihanna.

The logistics and the realities of the situation.

Sure, it might sound nice as a throw away phrase but do you know what would have had to have happened for you to actually be the only girl in the world?

Have you thought about what would probably happen afterward?

We'll have to assume some sort of global plague as in the excellent comic book series Y: The Last Man because a world-wide gender-based massacre seems very unlikely and would have to itself be caused by some sort of transmittable psychosis (probably lab-engineered).

So there's been a plague, women and girl-children lying dead in the street, bereft men wailing and screaming as the more opportunistic take to looting and trying to establish power-based mini-societies in the aftermath of this civilisation-shaking development.

And you're the only girl in the world.

This can't end well for you, Rihanna.

At its most essential, there are only two outcomes: exile or death.

If your beloved manages to whisk you out of the major metropolitan areas and into hiding or even keep you hidden within a major city your situation will be tenuous at best.

What if there is a riot? Or a war? Or food runs out? Or your building catches on fire? What if there's an epidemic? A pandemic? What if your beloved goes out for food/water/information/to work and never comes back? What if he comes back but is followed by a mugger or a particularly cluey intelligence operative? What if you're seen? What if you start to doubt him? To think that it couldn't possibly be all the women? What if you go out to find out for yourself?

If you are captured for any reason you'll either end up in a laboratory with scientists frantically harvesting your eggs, artificially (or not so artificially) inseminating you and studying you to see why you haven't died yet; or, well, quite frankly you'll probably end up passed from man to man or the exclusive possession of the local powerhouse/warlord who is unlikely to be a gentle and considerate lover.

I know, Rihanna, you might think I'm being unfair to men saying that. I'm not saying that in the absence of a female population all men would resort immediately and with relish to rape but those who rise to power in uncertain and destabilised societies are usually determined and ruthless and probably not well stocked with empathy.
Even if they're intelligent enough to realise you're the only girl in the world they'd also know that you're no Eve, there's no way that in your life time you'd be able to replenish the world's depleted supply of women, so they might as well enjoy you whilst you're here.

So how in our current pre-lady-apocalypse society is the object of your affections supposed to make you feel like you're the only girl in the world?

Lock you in a windowless room and come back daily, whispering shaky, unconvincing reassurances and bringing dented canned goods and meat whose provenance you probably don't want to ask about?

Strapping you to a cold metal gurney under a bright light and talking about you but not to you?

Relentless physical abuse?

At the very best by saying you want to be made to feel like you're the only girl in the world you're suggesting that your lover may only be with you because the only other options are masturbation or reluctant homosexuality, not because you are an appealing and engaging individual in your own right.

It's you, loneliness or wang, Rihanna.

Doesn't sound so romantic now, does it?

Oh sure, I'm probably over-thinking this, reductio ad absurdum and all that.

I'm just saying, maybe you should spend a little more time on your lyrics.

Big Day Out!

Yesterday I went to RAMMSTEIN the Big Day Out RAMMSTEIN and I saw a whole bunch of amazing RAMMSTEIN bands.

This included RAMMSTEIN!

Before Rammstein I also got to see:

• Iggy and the Stooges - Iggy Pop is people jerky, aging skin over defiantly toned muscles. His crowd banter is a bit contrived but his performance was worth the wait.
  
• John Butler Trio - I don't really listen to a lot of their stuff when I'm out in the wild but they have a great energy and are a lot of fun to see live.
  
• Deftones - I'd been hanging out to see them play, enjoyed the set immensely but spent the whole time thinking 'Hitch up your pants, Chino, we can see you underpants. Your pants Chino, they're sagging at the back! PULL THEM UP!"
  
• Birds of Tokyo - I had never heard any of their stuff before yesterday but all the people who went on about Ian Kenny's adorable dancing weren't wrong and they were decent to listen to as well.
  
• Airbourne - The lead singer scaled the stage frame and played guitar from above the lighting rig before clambering back down and using his head as a beating stone to open a beer can. Enough said :-D
• And probably some others whose names I've already forgotten...
  

And then it was Rammstein time.

I cannot stress enough how fantastic Rammstein were.

They were excellent.

I... just... wow.

The stage show, the pyrotechnics, the well-greased German men in leather, the musical perfection.

If I could only see one live concert over and over again for the rest of my life it'd be this one.

Stunning.

My favourite part was when they sang Pussy from Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da...


It was a... special... moment for all of us.

As hard as it was, I walked away partway through the Tool set because I'm seeing them next week at the sidewave and really wanted to catch some of the Grinderman set because Nick Cave has a voice made of sin, velvet and dark chocolate.

Grinderman was a nice way to finish off the night as my feet were caning and I ended up sitting on the grass under the stars and the odd bat with a gathering of other folks staring up in wonder at the group of bearded weirdies and enjoying the crowd around me enjoying the eccentricity.

The venue itself was bigger than I had expected which meant that you didn't hear any of the other acts when you were trying to hear the one you'd picked but which meant you had to make some tough calls during the day if you weren't able or willing to run from one end of the place to the other.
There were a lot more stalls and things than I'd expected which were completely wasted on me because not only did I somehow turn up looking like I was dressed to hitch-hike around Latin America*, I'd packed enough food and water to do just that.
Essentially I looked like a huge dork** but I had a GREAT time.


*Big I-have-come-to-bring-the-good-word-to-the-natives missionary's black hat, red singlet, white overshirt to fend off the sun, black jeans and boots.
**Not terribly uncommon for me to be fair.

Olfactory Senseless

Maybe at some point, thousands of years in the past, ancient humans had a more highly developed sense of smell than they do now.

Maybe you could sift through a raft of flavours on the air in a more comprehensive, more instinctive fashion in order to survive.

Maybe when greeting each other you could lean forward and each scent how often the other eats protein, tell how long ago it was eaten, use that information to infer how successful their tribe, how good a hunter they were, how viable a mate.

Maybe it played a part in establishing diplomatic ties, making sure you weren't allying yourself to someone too weak to aid you, someone who would be a drain on your resources.

Maybe it helped you walk the line between survival and oblivion on a slightly better informed footing.

But here and now in the present I think you should brush your teeth.

Possibly twice.

Yeesh.

Lazy Days

I'm sitting at the back door, dusting sand off my feet, being helped and hindered by two damp, happy dogs who break off every now and then to chase dragonflies before coming back to wag water on me and lick my toes.

I've one sunburned ankle, salt in my hair, my skin smells of sunscreen and it's soon going to be time for a cool drink and a nice lie down.

We're at the beach for the week which means sleeping late, walking the dogs, watching one of them try to drink the ocean, good food, swimming, basking in the sun, cheerfully persecuting each other with board games and watching thoroughly inappropriate movies for people who are staying at the beach (they always play Jaws and like fools we always watch).

Today I helped a 3-year old build a series of sandcastles and then we trampled them like a pair of godzillas before running down the beach to kick the waves back into the sea.

God, I love the summer.

An Opportunity Unparalleled

It's the seventh day of January.

And hot cross buns were on the shelves of the supermarket four days ago.

Easter isn't until almost May this year and yet there are chocolate eggs and bunnies and little lolly chickens taking up a modest amount of space in the confectionery aisle.

I can't remember if this has been a slow process, things creeping onto the shelves a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of months earlier each year before Easter and Christmas.

I'm guessing it isn't as bad in North America at least for Christmas because they have Thanksgiving and Halloween beforehand to keep the yuletide items from appearing too early.

All around me people are bemoaning the greed of corporations or businesses that try to cash in on offering seasonal or niche treats for longer periods of time knowing that people are more likely to give in to nostalgia or temptation but all I can think of is how easy it would be to use this state of affairs to prank a kid.

No really.

The whole situation must confuse the hell out of kids with their tenuous grasp on the nature of time.

They see Easter or Christmas treats on the shelves and they assume Easter or Christmas must be soon and all over the place parents are forced to explain over and over again that there are months to go until then and have to endure tears and requests for eggs, buns, candy canes or marshmallow Santas until the season finally arrives.

Wouldn't it be more fun to run into a kid's room one morning and shake them awake and begin a ruse that would probably scar them for life?

"Bobby! Bobby wake up! Bobby we slept too long!"

"Wuh, what? What's going on!?"

"Bobby, we ate too much at Christmas and our bodies thought we were trying to hibernate like bears and we slept all the way through January, through February, through March and into April!"

"Whaaaaat...!?"

"It's Easter Bobby! You've missed over 3 months of school! I've missed over 3 months of work! Your father and I have probably been fired from our jobs... but look! Easter eggs!"

"WHAT!?"

You've got to admit, it'd be pretty awesome.

The kid staring in fear and confusion at the people still on their Christmas holiday, taking your word for it that they're on their Easter break.

The kid boggling at the walls of chocolate eggs and Easter accessories on display in all the shops.

Sure, they'd probably need years of counselling afterward but you know what?

It'd be worth it.