Sunday, 20 January 2008

The Dolmansaxlil Underground Resistance Movement

I'm just not that fussed.
I know as the proud owner of a vagina I'm supposed to be inordinately excited about these sheaths of fibre wrapped around the extra bits on the ends of my legs but I'm not.

I've had some fairly repetitive arguments about this over the years with people who didn't believe me, thought I was trying to confuse or impress them or who would then surreptitiously start checking me out to see if they'd missed something the first time round vis a vis either a penis or any evidence of rampant lesbianism.
One of my friends actually spent part of one afternoon leaning or bending over an unusual amount just to see if she could catch me out peering down her shirt or admiring her rump. So when the opportunity presented itself... I flicked a five cent coin down the back of her jeans. Well, it should at least teach her to buy some pants that fit properly and it had me laughing for a good ten minutes as I am easily amused and find the anger of others rather invigorating. Besides, you watch the realisation dawn on a woman's face that she has to decide between fishing around down the back of her pants whilst in the middle of the street or walking about with a coin lodged in her crevice and I challenge you not to asphyxiate yourself laughing.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, shoes...
Yes, shoes, they keep your feet clean and unpunctured and I do have some I like (sneakers that are comfy, boots that can double as toe-stompers and nice-night-out-ware) but I hate hate HATE trying to buy new foot coverings. Hate. It.
I seem to end up buying a lot of my shoes from second hand stores because I at least know that they aren't likely to spontaneously disassemble themselves and they do what most 'new' shoes don't which is look like they're made from real and/or durable materials. So many things in the shoe shops look so... cheapy... but it is never reflected on the damn price tags. Even shoes that say they're 100% pure leather polished with the essence of cow flesh which was produced by juicing suede they always look like they're made out of vinyl and are likely to fall apart in a spectacular unfurling ceremony, possibly breaking your ankle in the process.

And then there's the idea of buying shoes that feel tight because they're supposed to 'stretch to fit' my foot whereas if I buy the shoes that feel nice now they'll end up too big. That always sounded stupid. How are they going to be stretched by the foot they fit perfectly? But yes, if the shoes are made of leather or other decent materials they will stretch a bit so you have to buy an uncomfortable shoe and wear it until it becomes comfortable. A-nnoy-ing.
There's all that and the fact that once you've found something you like by the time it comes around that you need some new damn shoes you can never find any that look remotely like the ones you have become accustomed to and far too many of them are designed to show 'toe crack', you know, the top of the toe equivalent of 'plumber's crack'. Either show all of the toes or no part of them at all.
Toes, not that sexy.
That little cracky bit at the top where they split off the foot, double not that sexy.

I know for someone who claims not to like shoes I have been going on about them a bit but I didn't say I was anti-shoe, just that I don't see what the fuss is about beyond wanting them to fulfill their purpose. I would very much like to find a decent range of comfy long lasting shoes made of real not shitty looking components that I could wear until I need some new ones and then get some more of the same. That'd be nice.
I just don't need multiple sets of them in different colours, to stand transfixed in front of shop windows or require 'alone time' with the catalogues.

Shoes. They keep your feet dry. Isn't that enough?

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