Sunday, 30 August 2009

It's Like A Party In My Mouth And All The Guests Are Chained Together...







Chewy crust breadrolls.

I'm going to miss you...

Some time ago *coff May coff* my dentist told me that I should see an orthodontist about possibly getting braces.

In my usual efficient manner I put it down as 'To Do Next Week' and it kept 'Jam Tomorrow, Jam Yesterday, But Never Ever Jam Today'-ing* down the list until a few weeks ago when I finally made the appointment.

Then this Thursday at 9:45am I went along for my first consultation.
It all started out fairly routine.
They took a few hilarious photos of my teeth and asked me a lot of questions including 'Do you ever grind your teeth in your sleep?' to which I replied 'I don't know, I'm asleep' which seemed a perfectly sensible answer to me but which exasperated the dental technician who was taking notes.
Yes I need braces.
Yes they'll need to stay on for two years.
Yes I should make an appointment.
And the next available appointment is... Oh we've had a cancellation, would you like to come back at 2pm?
Uh... I... guess so...?

So in the three hours between the end of the first appointment and the beginning of the second I had to go down to the bank to withdraw cash for my first payment**, get into a favourite café for my last steak sandwich for two years and give my teeth a vigorous scrubbing.

Because I would usually have a longer first consultation or possibly a follow up consultation before the procedure in normal circumstances I found out about a lot of the do's and don't's whilst my mouth was propped open and the orthodontist was messing about with glue and wire.
On the one hand it was good that everything came together so quickly because it gave me little time to dwell on or worry about things.
On the other hand I didn't have time to go on a last forbidden food orgy and will now have to wait two years to eat quite a few things...
Probably on mature reflection this is plus as well, I've had a few too many forbidden food orgies of late without anything to justify them.

I've had the braces on for three days and despite the logistics of learning to chew with the dang things on and all the extra tooth brushing, they're not that bad.
They were slightly uncomfortable to begin with but they feel exactly like I thought a mouth full of braces would feel and it already seems as if I've had them on forever.
My completely erratic grasp of temporal reality and the way my imagination interacts with it has allowed me to adapt to the feeling ridiculously quickly and apart from the part where I keep going around telling people 'I'm a Piranha' and gnashing my teeth at them it's business as usual.
It has however confirmed my suspicions that I should never get a tongue piercing, I have been messing with the dang things with my tongue ever since they were put on and I predict that I won't stop for approximately 24 months.

*For anyone who has never seen the 1985 version of Alice in Wonderland, which stars Sammy Davis Junior and Carol Channing among many others, and has no idea what I'm talking about I give you this.

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