Do not want.
My lovely mate Awesome is getting married in the not too distant future and myself and Eep of the embarrassing teenage adventures have been proclaimed bridesmaids.
So when Awesome told us she wanted to check out the Bridal Expo at the Exhibition Centre this weekend Eep and I pledged our attendance.
Not because we're that interested in Bridal Expos* but because we are going to support our friend dammit!
I knew I couldn't take a book because - as I was reliably informed throughout my childhood, most of my high school years and just last week - it is very rude to read when you're out with other people.
Even when they are being boring and you are perfectly capable of following the conversation and reading at the same time.
So I left my book and took my mp3 player instead.
Just in case.
And thank all that is good in this world that I did.
I knew the stalls would be a bit of a gauntlet but that's par for the course when you go to any kind of expo or even a school/university open day.
I knew that there would be a lot of giggling, excited, bouncing hugging women giggling and hugging and bouncing excitedly.
I was not prepared for "The Fashion Parade".
The "Fashion Parade" opened with a pair of instructors from a local dancing school giving a demonstration of how you could spice up your bridal waltz instead of doing the boring bog-standard side-to-side.
I don't know about you but in the event I get married I don't really want to mount my new husband's thigh in front of my grandmother at my reception.
Also if my imaginary husband was prepared to swivel and jiggle like that I'd be a little worried.
I am an easily embarrassed person and I don't think I'd dance with a swivelling jiggler let alone marry them.
After the thigh-grinders came a lounge singer with a pleasant but in no way impressive voice singing a variety of schmaltzy romantic songs handpicked from the RomComs of the last ten years.
At this point I took out my beloved mp3 player and embraced the beauty that is Alestorm, Arch Enemy and Emilie Simon**.
Now according to the organisers the natural progression is thigh-grinding dance, crooning and then... male strippers.
Just in case you want them at the wedding.
Or I guess the hens' night.
I kept the mp3 player in for this too.
My music was better than theirs, the stripping wasn't that alluring and none of the however many hundred women were drunk at midday so there was mostly polite applause instead of woo-ing and demands for the gentlemen to 'take it off'.
So, if you're following me so far.
So the next logical step is...
That's right! Junior ballet troop!
A bunch of 9 year old girls run out onto stage and start doing a cute little choreographed piece in pink tutus.
I hope they had a different changeroom from the strippers.
The mp3 player continued to perform admirably.
After this fascinating presentation on the evolution of the wedding plan they actually started showing wedding dresses and grooms... wear? You know, suits.
The fellows modelling the suits had very nice cheekbones but all the suits looked the same to me.
The choice seemed to be between light grey, black or deep navy. Some with pinstripes, most with vests but don't ask me about cuts because I haven't the foggiest.
The wedding dresses... well all I can say is that the strapless look must be 'in' right now because 95% of the dresses were strapless and basically a variation on one design with varying degrees of baubles attached.
We saw one dress that Awesome found interesting.
In an hour of 'fashion gazing' we saw one dress.
It was at this point Awesome decided we'd seen enough and weak with gratitude we dragged ourselves out of the auditorium and back into the light.
Due to the occasional uncharacteristic bout of girliness since the engagement I had been politely terrified that Awesome was gazing upon the spectacle before us with glee and shining eyes.
However this fear was put to rest when the first words out of her mouth once we were in the hallway were "Well that was a steaming pile of crap!"
Eep and I have never been so relieved in our lives.
The expo wasn't a complete bust. We got a few ideas of what Awesome could do if she wanted to and what she definitely never will and we met a lovely silver-haired rockabilly limo driver with a bitching pompadour and blue and black leather wingtip shoes, but we were all glad to get out of the place and hit the nearest pub for a restorative glass.
There's only so much of that sort of thing a person can take in one day and it turns out that Eep, Awesome and myself have a common low threshold which might explain why we've been friends for so long :-D
*Well I'm not, Eep of the embarrassing teenage adventures and her fella are building a house so the dreamy 'I is can have bouquet' mindset is slowly gaining strength.
**I like to mix it up a little and I found that her style was much more successful in assimilating and destroying the schmaltz. Despite the awesomeness of Alestorm and Arch Enemy I could still hear schmaltzing going on in the background.