With a little bit over a month until my friend's wedding we were all running about getting the last important big ticket items locked in.
Making sure we'd had our bridesmaid dresses altered, hair and make up had been scheduled, flowers had been arranged, the menu had been planned, the celebrant and photographer booked, accommodation confirmed, the usual.
Last Sunday I got a phone call which I assumed was going to be about buying our shoes or arrangements for the hen's night or something.
Turns out the wedding is off...
Huh.
Alrighty...
Huh...
I was shocked.
And then I thought about it and I wasn't.
And then I was shocked that I wasn't shocked.
So I guess my original shock was just surprise rather than having trouble wrapping my head around the fact.
They've been together for 6 years and have been fairly solid for that time but they had their problems and had never really given off that 'soul mate' vibe.
Going into a marriage you'd assume you'd want that 'I want to be with this person forever' vibe to be pretty strong or you'd wonder if it was really a good fit.
My friend seems to be taking things surprisingly well - probably another indicator that she's done the right thing - and so my main concern will be being there for her when she needs me.
Even if she's done the right thing you have to assume there will be some 'I've just come out of a 6 year relationship' emotional turbulence somewhere down the track.
Now if only I could get my brain to fully absorb this new reality and stop thinking stupid things like this:
"I'm forgetting something... Oh, right! I still haven't picked a song to request for the receptio- Oh..."
"Man, I had better buy my shoes pretty quickly or- Oh..."
"I haven't got my outfit organised for the hen's ni- Right..."
"Better remember to ask my boss for time off so I can help organise the- No, wait..."
"I wonder if they've got all the RSVPaaahwaitasecond..."
Get this straight, brain, before you say something really inappropriate at a really stupid time.
No, not like usual, I mean really bad.
The other inappropriate stuff you say is friggin' hilarious, you keep that up.
Oh, right... right... Yesterday was my sister's wedding...
You'll have to excuse me, what with yesterday's ceremony and my friend Awesome's nuptials I've spent most of this year preparing for and planning weddings and I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do now.
I... remember free time but can't quite wrap my head around how it applies to me.
After the months of phone calls, running home mid-week to try on shoes and dresses and pick jewellery and have make-up trials and bombard my sister with reminders of her appointments and to-do items... it's over.
The day itself went flawlessly, almost spookily well.
My mates Awesome and Eep chauffeured us from the hairdresser to the beauty salon to the other bridesmaid's house where we had to get ourselves and my sister dressed without undoing our hair or wiping off our make-up like the klutzes we usually are.
My Dad turned up and managed to restrain himself from making too many jokes as he drove us to the ceremony and then suddenly it was The Wedding.
My baby sister and her fella standing in front of all their friends and family, blue sky, soft breeze, lush garden, vows, readings, no-one faceplanting or stuttering, signings, photos, driving, more photos, reception, someone pushing a welcome glass of wine into my hand, speeches, crying, food, cake, more photos, fetching cars, packing gifts, kisses, collapsing into heaps.
My sister is married to a man who loves her and makes her happy and who we have long since assimilated and added his distinctiveness to our own.
You cannot believe the relief.
Now I think it is time for something a little different.
I might sit in a café and read a book, or take the dogs for a walk, or ignore all those plans and have a snooze, or get all these pins out of my hair and wash out the layers of hairspray.
This is a thought that I feel should be making my brain boggle but she and brother-in-law-to-be have been together for so long and are so absurdly suited to each other it seems more a formality than anything else.
At this stage all we need to remember to do is turn up in the right dresses and shoes and we will be set.
The one thing we did need to get done and done properly before the big day was her hen's party.
I could give you a run down of what we got up to but a) that'd be a bit anecdotal and 'hey I went to a party that you weren't at' and b) it was a private party for my sister and none of your beeswax so instead I'm going to talk about something else.
There's a lot of build-up around what's supposed to happen at hen's parties since they attracted the hivemind's attention so I've decided to use this post to make one particular point, one that I think isn't made enough.
If it is your hen's party you can do WHATEVER YOU DAMN WELL WANT.
This includes telling people who are trying to tell you what you HAVE to do to take their suggestions and jam them up their jacksies.
If you want to get rowdy and take it to the streets that's fine, if that's how you like to play you'll have a ball.
If you're usually a quiet person, like doing things differently or just don't think it's the business of everyone in the damn town/suburb/city that you're getting married you don't HAVE to go out and do specific things and nobody is allowed to tell you that you should.
If you want to go paintballing - Go!
If you want to go to a day spa - Go!
If you want to have a BBQ, get drunk and play Rock Band - Do!
Karaoke bar!
Burlesque show!
Bowling night!
Movie night!
Costume party!
Bake off!
Beach party!
High tea!
1950s glamour pin-up photoshoot!
There is no limit to what you can do for your party, pick whatever you're happiest with and do that.
It is a party to celebrate your life so far, your friendships with the people you invite and the life you have ahead of you - there is no rule that says it has to be just one thing.
You shouldn't have a particular hen's party because you think it's expected of you any more than you should have a particular wedding because that's what you think is expected of you.
Do what makes you happy.
PS. In case you were wondering, no we didn't get a stripper. Just in case instead of Hugh Jackman...
...we got Har Mar Superstar*....
...who does indeed strip with confidence and alacrity but not to the same reception.
*Or someone I went to school with. I don't know why I'm so convinced lately that someone I went to school with will one day take their clothes off in front of me for money.
It's not something I've ever really cared about doing one way or another.
But for my mate Awesome, I was in.
The wedding party all wore black, including the bride.
The groom wore a top hat and a long coat with tails that looked more likely to have a rifle tucked inside it than anything else.
There were Halloween skeleton confetti and black stars scattered on the tables.
They had their bridal waltz to Metallica's 'Nothing Else Matters'.
And it was one of the most genuine weddings I've ever been to.
They didn't write their own vows because they both think that's soppy bullshit but they did have a handfasting ceremony instead of a traditional service.
They made silly noises and funny faces and cried and laughed and told people to shut up and jittered around during the ceremony and when it came time for the kiss all the guests were yelling suggestions and wolf-whistling and stamping their feet.
And that's how it should be.
They love each other and they wanted to show it in a way that was true to who they are and how they want to be.
And it was beautiful and I've never been prouder to be part of something.
If anyone else wants to celebrate their plans to be happily entangled for the rest of their lives they will have to offer me bribes or hold the celebrations in my backyard!
Look, I know that people face far more complicated and serious dilemmas every day and that I'm a huge crybaby but I get a bit stressed about other people's exciting days going right and like them far apart so I can help, can go months without any big events or demands on my time cropping up and then this happened...
Saturday was the day of my cousin's wedding - aw! *cue ecstatic aunts!*
It was also the day of my mate Awesome's engagement party - aw! *cue overexcited friends!*
Both events were on at almost exactly the same time... in two different towns... two hours apart... *cue freaking out and screaming!*
Crud! Crud! Crud! Crud! Crud!
I didn't want to miss either event but going to both was going to be a bugger.
Not to mention I was in charge of organising the cake and signature book for the engagement party from a third and completely unrelated town and was doing the Prayers of the Faithful during my cousin's wedding ceremony.
Things sort of shilly-shallied about for a few weeks leading up to the wedding/engagement party weekend.
The cake was fine.
The people at the shop decided that the picture that was to go on top of the cake was too dark and wouldn't turn out.
I found a new picure.
They were no longer accepting pictures by email, the picture had to be printed on photo paper and brought in personally.
Oh and the day you leave work early and drive an hour to bring the photo in we will have closed early.
Eventually I got the bloody cake squared away, found a dress for the wedding, hand-cut 80 pieces of ornate cardboard for the engagement party signature book and bought metallic ink pens and badass stickers for them to decorate them with, explained the situation to both occasion-stressed women without being torn a new one, looked at transport options and then began Operation EVERYBODY STOP TELLING ME THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! WHAT ARE YOU A BUNCH OF QUITTERS!?*
Step One. Wake up, get preliminary dressed, go pick up cake.
Step Two. Drop off cake with another friend, hand over cards, pens and stickers.
Step Three. Drop car off at the train station, get sister's fiancé to pick me up and drive us back to the house.
Step Four. Collect clothes and sundries for the wedding, herd entire family into cars and drive for two hours.
Step Five. Get changed into wedding clothes at a relative's house, herd everyone back into cars, have argument about best way to get to church, misidentify church, have another argument, find the right church, get everyone out of the car.
Step Six. Find the other cousin who I am doing the readings with, find a seat, sit down and make chitchat.
Step Seven. All agree she looks lovely and he is probably not a serial killer and can be let into the family, realise the priest is mental as he starts rambling about changing the wording of 'what God has joined let no man put asunder' to gender-neutral because 'people are running off with all sorts these days', ruins part of the service by trying to make comments addressed to the the groom and bride separately gender-neutral and then forgets to ask the bride to say her vows before being reminded by the wanting to be happy couple.
Step Eight. Deliver prayers without saying a swear or making any embarrassing noises, agree everything went very well except for the mental priest.
Step Nine. Get back to the house, change again, drag my father away from all the cheerfully enthusiastic family shouting, say goodbye to my parents as they happen to be flying to Italy after the reception, drive to a train station, get a bit lost, use logic to find track, use track to find station, get out of the car, leg it through construction works, find ticket counter, buy ticket, get to platform at the same time as the train, get train, collapse.
Step Ten. Spend two hours thinking 'this is stupid, if we had teleporters I would be there by now'.
Step Eleven. Arrive at station, get changed in the bathroom, get into car cleverly left at station earlier, drive to engagement party, spend the whole drive hoping I hadn't confused the location with another.
Step Twelve. Arrive in time to preside over the revelation of the cake, be crowned Dëity Mønarch of Cake and join the party.
Step Thirteen. Help pack up, drive people out to the bottle-o for some travellers as I'm the only person who hadn't been drinking**, drive back to Awesome's place and spend the rest of the evening*** having a drink, eating chips and watching Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2.
Step Fourteen. Finally relax and realise that I've enjoyed myself.
*sigh*
...
OK, OK, I'll probably come to your bloody wedding/whatever but at least have it in an area well served by public transport!
Remember! No teleporters yet!
PS. An engagement party might not seem very important compared to a wedding but it is going to be a few years before Awesome and her fella can afford the wedding and what with all the going out of her way she does for other people she deserved something nice dammit!
*I'll be the first to admit it doesn't really roll off the tongue...
My lovely mate Awesome is getting married in the not too distant future and myself and Eep of the embarrassing teenage adventures have been proclaimed bridesmaids.
So when Awesome told us she wanted to check out the Bridal Expo at the Exhibition Centre this weekend Eep and I pledged our attendance. Not because we're that interested in Bridal Expos* but because we are going to support our friend dammit!
I knew I couldn't take a book because - as I was reliably informed throughout my childhood, most of my high school years and just last week - it is very rude to read when you're out with other people. Even when they are being boring and you are perfectly capable of following the conversation and reading at the same time. So I left my book and took my mp3 player instead. Just in case.
And thank all that is good in this world that I did.
I knew the stalls would be a bit of a gauntlet but that's par for the course when you go to any kind of expo or even a school/university open day. I knew that there would be a lot of giggling, excited, bouncing hugging women giggling and hugging and bouncing excitedly.
I was not prepared for "The Fashion Parade".
The "Fashion Parade" opened with a pair of instructors from a local dancing school giving a demonstration of how you could spice up your bridal waltz instead of doing the boring bog-standard side-to-side. I don't know about you but in the event I get married I don't really want to mount my new husband's thigh in front of my grandmother at my reception. Also if my imaginary husband was prepared to swivel and jiggle like that I'd be a little worried. I am an easily embarrassed person and I don't think I'd dance with a swivelling jiggler let alone marry them.
After the thigh-grinders came a lounge singer with a pleasant but in no way impressive voice singing a variety of schmaltzy romantic songs handpicked from the RomComs of the last ten years. At this point I took out my beloved mp3 player and embraced the beauty that is Alestorm, Arch Enemy and Emilie Simon**.
Now according to the organisers the natural progression is thigh-grinding dance, crooning and then... male strippers. Just in case you want them at the wedding. Or I guess the hens' night. I kept the mp3 player in for this too. My music was better than theirs, the stripping wasn't that alluring and none of the however many hundred women were drunk at midday so there was mostly polite applause instead of woo-ing and demands for the gentlemen to 'take it off'.
So, if you're following me so far. Thigh-grinding. Crooning. Stripping. So the next logical step is...
That's right! Junior ballet troop! A bunch of 9 year old girls run out onto stage and start doing a cute little choreographed piece in pink tutus. I hope they had a different changeroom from the strippers. The mp3 player continued to perform admirably.
After this fascinating presentation on the evolution of the wedding plan they actually started showing wedding dresses and grooms... wear? You know, suits. The fellows modelling the suits had very nice cheekbones but all the suits looked the same to me. The choice seemed to be between light grey, black or deep navy. Some with pinstripes, most with vests but don't ask me about cuts because I haven't the foggiest.
The wedding dresses... well all I can say is that the strapless look must be 'in' right now because 95% of the dresses were strapless and basically a variation on one design with varying degrees of baubles attached. We saw one dress that Awesome found interesting. In an hour of 'fashion gazing' we saw one dress.
It was at this point Awesome decided we'd seen enough and weak with gratitude we dragged ourselves out of the auditorium and back into the light. Due to the occasional uncharacteristic bout of girliness since the engagement I had been politely terrified that Awesome was gazing upon the spectacle before us with glee and shining eyes. However this fear was put to rest when the first words out of her mouth once we were in the hallway were "Well that was a steaming pile of crap!" Eep and I have never been so relieved in our lives.
The expo wasn't a complete bust. We got a few ideas of what Awesome could do if she wanted to and what she definitely never will and we met a lovely silver-haired rockabilly limo driver with a bitching pompadour and blue and black leather wingtip shoes, but we were all glad to get out of the place and hit the nearest pub for a restorative glass.
There's only so much of that sort of thing a person can take in one day and it turns out that Eep, Awesome and myself have a common low threshold which might explain why we've been friends for so long :-D
*Well I'm not, Eep of the embarrassing teenage adventures and her fella are building a house so the dreamy 'I is can have bouquet' mindset is slowly gaining strength. **I like to mix it up a little and I found that her style was much more successful in assimilating and destroying the schmaltz. Despite the awesomeness of Alestorm and Arch Enemy I could still hear schmaltzing going on in the background.
