Saturday, 5 December 2009

Also, The Grassy Knoll Shot JFK!

Every now and then for no discernible reason I get a little 'conspiracy theory-ish'.

I'm never quite sure what brings it on and it never lasts long enough for me to start a website, lobby my local member of parliament or fold an aluminium foil hat but one thought leads to another leads to suspicion leads to a brief spike of paranoia leads to this blog post.

Want to hear the current theory before it evaporates? Of course you do.

Here it is.

I think some religious group has bought out the contract to fill the vending machines in ladies public bathrooms.

What? You think that sounds outlandish?

Used to be that the little vending machines in public bathrooms would offer you the opportunity to purchase three emergency items: tampons, sanitary pads and condoms.

Now they still offer the tampons and sanitary pads but any extra vending space is taken up by toiletries.

Even if the unit has six items for sale the other four will - instead of holding useful contraceptives - be stuffed to the gills with perfume, hand lotion, toothpaste, lip gloss and other such items.

I don't know about you but I can't imagine too many scenarios where a woman might be desperate to buy some emergency $1 perfume or moisturiser out of a toilet vending machine.
I can imagine a scenario where a woman might need to buy an emergency condom.

The questions about how dependable a vending machine condom might be aside, there are some women out there who might be too shy to buy condoms at the chemist or supermarket.
The vending machine option might have been their only chance to buy a contraceptive discretely and take charge of the night's activities and their sexual health.

So what do we have so far?
  • Condoms gone
  • Cheap perfume, moisturiser and lip gloss provided
Conclusion? A shadowy religious group wants us to lower our standards, tart ourselves up and get pregnant!

Yeah, it all comes together now doesn't it?
You once were blind but now you see!
The truth is before you and can never be concealed again!

Now I must go speak The Truth to The People before The Truth starts to look a bit crazy and I back away from it like an electronic monk backs away from the belief that everything in a valley is a uniform shade of pink!

PS. If I mysteriously disappear it will be because this one is actually true and the cabal involved is a lot better funded than anyone would expect and more prone to overreacting than a prudent financial plan would advise.

No comments: